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Third Place Winner Of Sitcom SCRIPTAPALOOZA Television Writing Competition

Betsy McNeely 323.654.5809

ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. CHURCH -- DAY Tight shot of Earl and Randy sitting in a pew. They are wearing rumpled dress clothes and looking very uncomfortable. EARL (V.O.) Ive never much been one for going to church. I always figured if I stayed out of Gods house, Hed stay out of mine. Unfortunately, sometimes it couldnt be helped. Camera angle widens to reveal that Earl and Randy are attending a funeral. It is sparsely attended, and the few who are there look like derelicts or convicts. Everyone looks bored. EARL (V.O.) (CONT'D) Snowball was a crazy old coot who sometimes tagged along with me and Randy in our criminal endeavors. He was kind of useful to have around, though, because hed do absolutely anything on a dare. CUT TO: EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY -- FLASHBACK Earl, Randy and Snowball crouch around the corner from the entrance. EARL (to Snowball) OK. I dare you to steal a case of Buckhorn, 3 packs of Marlboros, everything in the cash register, and then come back here and give it all to me. SNOWBALL Youre on! Snowball runs for the door, Randy calls after him.

RANDY Hey! I dare you to steal me some pork rinds! CUT TO: EXT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY -- FLASHBACK It is dark and stormy. Snowball is on the roof, wrestling with a large weather vane shaped like a bowler. EARL (V.O.) Unfortunately, he also believed everything he was told. When Petey Gunderson told him the bowler on the roof of Memory Lanes was solid gold, Snowball decided to steal it. He thought he was being clever doing it during a thunderstorm so no one would see him. Snowball finally wrests the weather vane free, and holds it over his head triumphantly. A moment later, he is struck by lightning. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH - BACK TO SCENE A nun gets up and moves to the pulpit. PRIEST And so, in closing, our own Sister Mary Teresa Benedicta has generously agreed to send off the dearly departed on the notes of his favorite song. The organ starts playing, and the nun launches into a soulful rendition of Baby Got Back. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - LATER The derelicts mill about, feasting on punch and cookies. Randy approaches Earl holding a paper plate piled high with snacks, and speaks while stuffing his face.

RANDY OK, Earl. I sat through the preaching and the singing like I promised. I even fake cried a little. Can we go now? EARL Not yet, Randy. We need to mingle a bit, to pay our respects. RANDY Come on! This place gives me the creeps. It reminds me of Dracula's castle. Hey, you don't suppose there's any of Dracula's wives in here, waiting to suck our blood, do you? CUT TO: INT. MOTEL - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK Earl and Randy are in bed. Earl is trying to sleep. Randy is wide-awake, intensely watching TV in the dark and hugging his pillow. EARL (V.O.) Randy had recently discovered one of those late night creature feature shows on TV. I think he had a little crush on the scary looking lady who hosted it. I didnt have the heart to tell him I was pretty sure she was a dude. CUT TO: INT. MOTEL LATER -- FLASHBACK Randy sits bolt upright in bed, practically on top of Earl. All the lights are on. He is still clutching his pillow and looking nervously around the room. EARL (V.O.)(CONTD) Trouble was, Randy couldn't always tell the difference between TV and real life. RANDY Hey Earl? You hear something?

4 EARL No. RANDY Wait. How about that? You hear that? EARL No. RANDY OK. You HAD to hear that. EARL Yes, Randy, I did hear that. Now say "excuse me" and go to sleep! CUT TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE Earl and Randy awkwardly stand near the refreshment table, occasionally smiling and nodding to people. Everyone ignores them. Randy continues to stuff his face. RANDY (beat) Can we go now? No. EARL

RANDY (slightly longer beat) Can we go now? Randy. EARL

RANDY (another beat) Can we go now? EARL Ask me again. RANDY Can we go now?

5 EARL No. (as Randy opens his mouth to speak) Look, just go sit in there (he nods towards the chapel) and well go in a few minutes, all right? Randy nervously enters the chapel, while Earl approaches the nun who sang at the service. EARL Afternoon, Sister. That was a touching performance you gave. I know Snowball would a loved it. SISTER Thank you. I hope he enjoyed it, wherever he is. I must admit, I wasnt familiar with that particular song, but anything for a fellow music lover. EARL (looks at Sister, puzzled) Right. Um, so youre a music lover? SISTER Oh, yes. When I was a girl I dreamed of being the next Barbra. God had other plans for me, though. He wanted me to be His own personal Funny Girl. Earl doesnt get the reference, and continues looking at Sister strangely. She becomes a bit uncomfortable. SISTER (CONTD) Um is something wrong? Do I have something stuck in my teeth again? EARL Huh? Oh! No. Its just that you seem kinda familiar, somehow. Like weve met before? SISTER Thats very possible. I run the soup kitchen at the shelter.

6 EARL (considers this for a moment) No, thats not it. Bingo? Uh-uh. SISTER The parish talent show? Earls eyes widen with recognition. EARL (V.O.) And thats when it hit me. CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM -- DAY -- FLASHBACK The high school talent show is in progress. A heavyset girl is standing center stage, giving a decent if tad overly emotional performance of The Way We Were. Earl and Randy watch from the wings. EARL (V.O.)(CONTD) Becky Wagner. Number 37 on my list. Earl and Randy release a bunch of mice onto the stage. Becky freezes in the middle of her number and starts screaming. CUT TO: INT. HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA -- DAY -- FLASHBACK Earl and his crew are in line behind Becky. She is trying very hard to ignore them as they take extra helpings and sneak them onto her tray. EARL (V.O.) (CONTD) She was new, and she was fat. In high school, that was like rolling around in meat and dancing naked in front of a pack of wild dogs. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldnt help ourselves. SISTER EARL

7 CUT TO: INT. SCHOOL GYM -- DAY -- FLASHBACK The girl's P.E. class is doing jumping jacks. Becky is off to one side, struggling to keep up. Earl and his friends sit in the stands, stone faced. Every time Becky lands they bounce in their seats. EARL (V.O.)(CONTD) Of course, I dont recall ever trying all that hard. CUT TO: INT. BECKY'S LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT -- FLASHBACK Becky, her mother and Morty are in the living room. Becky is very dressed up, and her mother is fussing over her. Morty pins a corsage on Becky, while Beckys mother gets them to pose for a picture. EARL (V.O.)(CONTD) When I found out that Morty Atkinson had asked her to the Harvest Moon dance, I decided to start off their evening by giving them my own harvest moon. Just as Beckys mother snaps a picture, Earl runs up to the bay window behind them and drops his pants. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE EARL Becky Wagner! Well, Ill be dam uh, darned! I'm Earl Hickey, from high school, remember? SISTER BECKY Earl Hickey? No, I'm afraid I d... oh. Wait a minute. Werent you the boy who mooned me in front of my mother, the night of the dance? EARL So you do remember me.

8 SISTER BECKY (coldly) How could I forget? You know, I've often thought about what I would say to you if I ever saw you again. EARL (uncomfortable) Yeah? She suddenly smiles and gives him a big hug. SISTER BECKY Thank you!! Earl looks confused. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH NAVE -- MOMENTS LATER Randy walks down the aisle, nervously looking around. Not watching where he is going, he bumps into a large, stern looking nun. She snarls at him. Randy panics. He bolts into a confessional and slams the door. CUT TO: INT. CONFESSIONAL -- MOMENTS LATER Randy sits for a moment, breathing heavily, when the priest appears. PRIEST Yes, my son? Holy s**t! RANDY

PRIEST I beg your pardon? RANDY Sorry. I meant "crap". Holy "crap". You just scared the s**t out of me, that's all.

9 PRIEST Maybe we should begin again? Are you here to make a confession? RANDY Confession? What for? I didn't do nothing, honest! I just got scared by the vampire lady. PRIEST What vampire lady? RANDY She was right outside. About 6 feet tall, with glowing red eyes, fangs, and a mustache? PRIEST Ah. Sister Bernard. Yes. RANDY She looked like she was going to eat me. PRIEST I know the feeling. But that's why it's important to make confession, my son. You never know when God is going to call you home, and you want to make sure that when He does you have a clean conscience. RANDY Wait... I'm going to die? PRIEST Of course you are. We all are. RANDY (scared) I knew it! She's one of Dracula's wives, and she's gonna suck all my blood and turn me into her slave, isn't she? Why do I have to die? PRIEST That's the oldest question there is. Perhaps God misses you, or perhaps He wants to make room for new souls here on earth? Who can say?

10 RANDY If I won't be on earth no more, where will I be? What's going to happen to me after I die? PRIEST How much time have you got? CUT TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE EARL You're not mad? SISTER BECKY Mad? Of course not! Oh, I have to admit, at first the teasing you and your friends gave me was a bit hurtful. EARL That's a nice way of putting it. SISTER BECKY And my mother was... well, let's just say she used some language that cant be repeated in a house of God. But the next morning, as I was cleaning the smudges off the window? CUT TO: EXT. BECKY'S HOUSE -- MORNING -- FLASHBACK Becky is starting to spray the window with cleaner, then freezes and stares at the glass. We see a shot of what she's looking at: in the streaks we see the face of the Virgin Mary. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - BACK TO SCENE SISTER BECKY As soon as I saw it, I knew that God was calling me to serve Him. I joined the order the next day.

11 EARL You don't say. SISTER BECKY Yes. You know what they say: "God works in mysterious ways". I guess your butt is one of them. DISSOLVE TO: INT. CHURCH VESTIBULE - LATER Earl and Sister Becky are sitting and talking. EARL (V.O.) So Becky and I started catching up. I told her all about the list, and she told me all about her life in the convent. To be honest, it was a better story than I expected. SISTER BECKY (sniffling, on the verge of tears) I mean, so what if my mother hasnt spoken to me for fifteen years? Who cares if shes a self-righteous snob whos completely insensitive to the views of others? Not me! The church preaches forgiveness, so I forgive her. Even if she is wrong. EARL You and your Mom havent spoken for 15 years? Why? Most mothers I know would be thrilled to have their daughters in a convent. SISTER BECKY (wiping her eyes) Its complicated. Um, listen, it was nice seeing you again, Earl, but I seem to have something in my eye. Excuse me. Sister Becky hurries off. Earl watches her go. A moment later in the background we see Randy run screaming from the church.

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CUT TO: EXT. STREET - DAY Earl walks up to the front door of a house and rings the bell. EARL (V.O.) I wasnt sure what the problem was between Becky and her Mom, but I was pretty sure that karma wanted me to get them back together. I figured it shouldnt be too hard. After all, shes still her Mom. How different could they be? Becky's mother opens the door. EARL Mrs. Wagner? MRS. WAGNER I'm Rabbi Wagner, yes. Can I help you? Earl freezes. FADE OUT END ACT ONE

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ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM -- DAY Earl sits on the sofa, Rabbi Wagner sits at the piano, staring at him. There is an awkward silence. EARL (V.O.) I admit I dont know much about religion. Never had much use for it. So I couldnt really see what the big deal was between Becky and her Mom. EARL Um, so, like I was saying, I think if youd just talk to Becky, youd see how much you both have in common. I mean, wow! All that God stuff? Why, I bet you two just have loads to talk about. Rabbi Wagner continues to glare at Earl for a moment, then: RABBI WAGNER Do you have children, Earl? EARL No. At least, not that I know of. RABBI WAGNER Well, if you ever do, I pray that youre spared the pain of having them spit on everything you believe in. EARL This is about Christmas, isnt it? Yeah, my family always fights at Christmas, too. RABBI WAGNER Its more than that. Do you know what this is? She picks up a bronzed microphone from the top of the piano.

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EARL A cigarette lighter? RABBI WAGNER Its a trophy we won at the temple talent show when she was twelve. Such a voice she had. When she sang Poppa, Can You Hear Me?, Mrs. Brolin herself wouldve gotten farklempt! EARL Well, see? There you go! Shes still singing up a storm over at the church. You should go hear her! RABBI WAGNER Exactly my point. She wants to sing the praises of God? Fine. But it should kill her to be a cantor in our synagogue? Instead she has to go join some cult? Why not just run a knife through my heart? EARL But maybe if youd just go listen RABBI WAGNER I cant. Im sorry. When she turned her back on our faith, she turned her back on me. Theres nothing you can do to fix that. CUT TO: INT. MOTEL - DAY Catalina and Randy are seated on the bed, while Earl paces. EARL I don't care what she says, she's still Beckys Mom. I know if I can just get them to start talking, they can work it out. CATALINA What about singing?

15 RANDY Oh, you dont want to hear Earl sing. Trust me. CATALINA No, I mean them. They both like music, right? How does that saying go? Music has charms that soothe the savage priest? Maybe it works on nuns, too? RANDY Hey, I think they still got that karaoke night down at the Woozy Floozy. EARL Thats not a bad idea. OK. Randy, I need you to go down to the Jewish church and talk Becky's Mom into meeting us there. If she gives you an argument, just make something up to get her to come, all right? Ill go talk to Becky. RANDY What should I say? EARL I don't know. Tell her you've got a friend who's having some sort of personal crisis, and could use her advice. Religious folk love telling other people how to live their lives, right? RANDY Do I have to? I saw this movie the other night about a bunch of Jewish folks who made a monster out of mud, like Frankenstein? And when he wasn't out killing people, they hid him in the church. What if they got a mud monster down there? EARL There's no vampires or mud monsters, Randy. Just some guys with yamahas on their heads and frogs in their throats. Nothing to be scared of.

16 RANDY Can I at least have a couple beers before I go? You know I always lie better when Ive had a few. No. Why not? EARL Because it's one of the 12 commandments: "Thou shalt not go into the house of the Lord smelling like a brewery". Now get going. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH -- DAY Earl and Sister Becky are sitting in the chapel. EARL I'm sorry if I upset you the other day. SISTER BECKY Oh, no. It wasn't you. It was just some old wounds that should've healed a long time ago. I'm the one who should apologize. EARL Yeah, well, speaking of old wounds? I've been thinking about what I can do for you to make up for all the trouble I caused in high school. SISTER BECKY But I told you, Earl, you don't need to do anything for me. As a Christian I forgave you a long time ago. EARL But as a Karma... ite? Karmatian? (shrugs) Whatever... I need to do something for you so I can cross you off my list. EARL RANDY

17 SISTER BECKY What did you have in mind? EARL Well, since you like singing so much, I thought maybe youd let me take you out for karaoke tomorrow night? You are allowed to go out in public like real people, right? SISTER BECKY Oh, yes. Since Vatican Two, we're even allowed to go to the bathroom. Really? No. CUT TO: INT. SYNAGOGUE - DAY Randy walks nervously down the hallway. He sees a large man covered in mud coming down the hall, and gapes at him as he walks by. Randy then sprints into the rabbi's office and slams the door shut behind him. CUT TO: INT. RABBIS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Randy stands at the door, breathing heavily. Rabbi Wagner is at her desk. RABBI WAGNER Can I help you, young man? RANDY Shhhhh! He'll hear you! RABBI WAGNER Are you all right? You're awfully sweaty. RANDY I'm just nervous. I sweat a lot when I'm nervous. EARL SISTER BECKY

18 RABBI WAGNER Why don't you have a seat, son? You look like you've just seen the devil. RANDY I think I have. Who was that I saw coming out of here a minute ago? RABBI WAGNER Nobody. So, what can I do for you? RANDY Oh. Right. Well, your rabbi-ship, maam... it's like this: um, see... Im here about your daughter, the sister? RABBI WAGNER What is this? Did somebody take out an ad? I will not discuss my personal family business with strangers! Now, Im very busy. Excuse me. RANDY But, maam, youve got to listen to me! RABBI WAGNER Goodbye! Randy looks blankly at the Rabbi, then opens his mouth to speak. EARL (V.O.) Looking back, I probably should've let Randy have a few beers beforehand. CUT TO: INT. WOOZY FLOOZY -- EVENING Earl and Randy are sitting at a table. RANDY You weren't there, Earl. I'm telling you it was a real live mud monster! I saw it with my own two eyes! EARL Randy, we've been over this a dozen times. There's no such thing as monsters.

19 RANDY Are too! I even asked the Rabbi if that was where the mud people hung out, and she just got mad. Didnt try to deny it or nothing. EARL But she did say shed come, right? Before Randy can answer, Sister Becky comes up to the table. SISTER BECKY Who said shed come? EARL Oh, just a friend of ours. We told her what a great singer you were, and she said shed like to come hear you. Right, Randy? Um yeah. RANDY

SISTER BECKY My goodness! I hope I live up to your faith in me. I havent sung in front an audience outside of church in ages, and Im pretty nervous. EARL Did they have the songs you wanted? SISTER BECKY Yes. I just hope no one I know is here, in case I make a complete fool of myself. EARL I dont think theres much chance of that. Rabbi Wagner comes up to the table. RABBI WAGNER (sternly) Rebecca. My God. So its true?

20 SISTER BECKY Mama?? What are you doing here? RABBI WAGNER A little bird told me that SOMEBODY (she glares at Earl) was trying to convince you to join his satanic cult. Earl glares at Randy, who hangs his head. RANDY (softly) I TOLD you to let me have a few beers first. SISTER BECKY (to Earl) So thats what this was all about? Getting my mother and I together? I cant believe you tricked me, Earl! (to Rabbi) And I cant believe youd fall for a story like that! RABBI WAGNER You already joined one cult. Joining another should be such a stretch? SISTER BECKY How many times do I have to tell you? ITS NOT A CULT! EARL Now just hold on a minute. Im sorry I lied to both of you, but I couldnt think of any other way to get you together. Look, all Im asking is that we all spend a little time together, enjoying some music. Would that be so awful? SISTER BECKY (stiffly) Well, tolerance is a Christian virtue. I suppose I can be civil for a couple of hours. If she can. RABBI WAGNER Tolerance? Let me tell you a thing or two about tolerance, young lady

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RABBI WAGNER (CONTD) (she catches Earls pleading look, then collects herself) Forgive me. I can be as tolerant as the next person. Even more. EARL Great! Now why dont we all just have a seat and a little pleasant conversation. They all sit. Rabbi Wagner and Sister Becky pointedly ignore each other. There is a long, awkward silence. EARL Im gonna go get us some drinks. RANDY Me too! Earl and Randy scramble off as the DJ takes the stage. DJ All right, ladies and gentlemen, lets get this party started! Our first brave performer this evening comes to us all the way from the Big K parking lot. Put your hands together for Patty! Theres a smattering of unenthusiastic applause as Patty the daytime hooker takes the stage. In the background we hear her give an ear-splitting performance of People. Rabbi and Sister both focus intently on the performance. After a few bars: RABBI WAGNER (not looking at Sister) Youre too thin. Dont they feed you in that place? SISTER BECKY My weight and my diet are perfectly healthy, thank you. RABBI WAGNER Ive heard what passes for sustenance over there. A cracker and a sip of wine?

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RABBI WAGNER (CONTD) Our people ate better when they wandered in the desert! Someone behind them shushes them. They listen in silence for a couple of moments more. RABBI WAGNER (indicating Patty) One things for sure: nobodys ever going to mistake her for the real thing. SISTER BECKY (shocked) Mama! Rabbi throws her hands up in mock surrender. RABBI WAGNER Im just saying, is all. A few more beats. RABBI WAGNER (CONTD) You know, she doesnt hold a candle to you. Sister Becky shushes her, but stifles a tiny smile. They listen as Patty finishes, and applaud politely. SISTER BECKY (tentatively) Did you see the AFI tribute? RABBI WAGNER Like anything couldve stopped me? Did you see that dress? SISTER BECKY I know! It was just like the one you made me for Jewish Jollies, remember? RABBI WAGNER Like it was yesterday. Such a sheyne poonem you were.

23 They start chatting in earnest. CUT TO: INT. BAR - MOMENTS LATER Earl and Randy wait for the drink order. RANDY I thought you said if we just got them together, theyd start talking and everything would be fine? EARL I know. But they havent talked for fifteen years. Maybe they just need a little help getting started. Cmon. They get the drinks and head back to the table. INT. WOOZY FLOOZY - SAME AS BEFORE CUT TO:

Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner are huddled together in conversation as Earl and Randy approach the table. Earl sets the drinks down, and he and Randy take their seats. EARL So! How bout that new Pope? Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner both bristle and resume their earlier postures. RABBI WAGNER You mean the Nazi? SISTER BECKY (shocked) Nazi? Thats my Holy Father youre talking about! RABBI WAGNER No! Saul Wagner is your father. That Pope is a Nazi. And you are a Jew! SISTER BECKY I am a Catholic! A daughter of Christ,

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SISTER BECKY (CONTD) and a sister of the Convent Of Our Lady of Perpetual Worriment! RABBI WAGNER (shouting) I did not raise a shiksa! SISTER BECKY (shouting) No, you raised a daughter who was chosen by the Holy Mother to serve God! RABBI WAGNER No! You were one of the chosen BEFORE you started with all this nonsense! EARL Hang on, now. Lets everybody take a deep breath for a minute and just cool down. In the heat of the argument, no one has noticed that the last karaoke performer has finished. The DJ is back on the stage. DJ Now I want you all to join me in giving a big Woozy welcome to our next performer, Sister Mary Teresa Benedicta! A follow spot hits Earl, just as Sister jumps to her feet. SISTER BECKY (shouting) Go to Hell, Earl! She storms out, leaving Earl standing uncomfortably in the spotlight. He self-consciously smiles and waves. FADE OUT END ACT TWO

25 ACT THREE FADE IN: INT. LIBRARY - DAY Earl and Randy sit across from each other at a table. Earl is reading Catholicism for Dummies, while Randy is reading Judaism for Dummies. There is an egg timer on the table between them. Both are concentrating very hard. EARL (V.O.) The trouble between Becky and her Mom seemed to be about their different beliefs. If I was going to fix it, I needed to know more about why they were so different. The egg timer goes off. Earl and Randy trade books. Earl pulls a comic book out of the one Randy was reading, and Randy shrugs apologetically. They both start reading again. EARL (V.O.) (CONTD) The more I learned, though, the more confused I got. Seemed like they had more in common than not. CUT TO: INT. MOTEL - EVENING Earl sits on the bed, a pile of books around him. He reads from one for a few moments, then picks up another and compares it to the one he was just reading. EARL (V.O.) (CONTD) Near as I could tell, it was just a bunch of fuss about a sequel. Kinda like Star Wars. If we stuck to the first Book, everything should be fine. But how could I convince them to start talking? Randy comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. RANDY Hey, Earl? I think Ive got another boil on my butt. You mind taking a look?

26 Earl gets a thats it! look on his face. CUT TO: INT. CRAB SHACK - DAY Earl, Randy, Joy and Darnell are seated around a table. DARNELL I dont know, Earl. The ten plagues of Egypt? It sounds pretty crazy to me. I mean, even if she falls for it, dont you think Gods gonna be mad at you for impersonating Him? JOY Oh, dont tell me you believe in all this crap? I did NOT sign on for being married to no holy roller. EARL No, itll be fine. This is what karma wants me to do. Itll protect me. RANDY So, if karma and God got in a fight, karma would win? I wonder who would win if Frankenstein and the Wolf-Man got in a fight? DARNELL The Wolf-Man. Most definitely. EARL Look, all youve got to do is distract her for a few minutes. Me and Randyll take care of the rest. OK? DARNELL Well, I guess it IS for a good cause. OK, were in. (to Randy) Hey, what if the Wolf-Man got into it with the Mummy? RANDY Yeah. Thatd be like a cat playing with a roll of toilet paper. DARNELL Yeah. Thatd be cool.

27 CUT TO: INT. RABBIS OFFICE - DAY Joy and Darnell are seated across from Rabbi Wagner. EARL (V.O.) I realized the one person Becky and her Mom would have to listen to was God. So, while Joy and Darnell pretended to be a couple wanting counseling, Randy and I set up outside. Suddenly there is a loud squeal of audio feedback from outside. CUT TO: EXT. SYNAGOGUE - CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE Earl and Randy hide in the bushes, struggling with a megaphone. Randy holds a large piece of sheet metal, which he shakes to create the sound of thunder. It doesnt work very well. EARL (into the megaphone) Hear ye, Hear ye! This. Is. God. CUT TO: INT. RABBIS OFFICE CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE Rabbi Wagner goes to the window. RABBI WAGNER What on Earth? JOY (overacting) Oh! My! It is the voice of God! Whatever shall we do? RABBI WAGNER Dont be ridiculous. Its probably just Murray, our groundskeeper. Hes been working on a busted sewage pipe out there for days.

28 EARL (from outside) Heed my warning. The time is at hand for all mothers and daughters to patch up their differences and make amends, or else suffer my wrath. RABBI WAGNER (craning at the window) I cant quite see from here, but it looks like theres a couple of men in the bushes outside. While Rabbi Wagner is at the window, Joy pulls a baggie full of crickets out of her purse and starts sprinkling them around Rabbi Wagners desk. JOY No, no! Its the voice of God! EARL (from outside) A terrible plague shall rain down upon you if you do not heed my wishes. Um that is all. There is another loud feedback squeal as Earl turns off the megaphone. JOY (pointing to the crickets) Oh! Look! Locusts! God is angry! I must run home and call my mama! She grabs Darnell and runs for the door. DARNELL (over his shoulder) Zay gezunt! Joy and Darnell exit. Rabbi Wagner watches them go, puzzled, then turns back to the window as we hear a very loud, very REAL thunder clap.

29 CUT TO: EXT. JOYS TRAILER -- LATER Through the window we see Earl, Randy, Joy and Darnell watching a torrential downpour. CUT TO: INT. JOYS TRAILER - CONTINUOUS FROM BEFORE DARNELL I told you, Earl. Gods not like Madonna. He doesnt like it when guys impersonate Him. EARL Its just a little rain, Crabman. We cant let that stop us. Soon as it lets up a bit, we can try again with Becky. JOY Whoa. Whats this we stuff? You heard Darnell. You pissed off God! EARL I thought you didnt believe in any of this crap? JOY (defensively) I dont. Its just that well, if I go out in weather like this, my hairll frizz up so bad Ill end up with a bigger fro than Darnell here. Now get your cursed behinds outta my house! Go on, git! Joy shoos Earl and Randy out into the rain. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH -- LATER Sister Becky is leading choir practice. Earl and Randy are hiding in the pews. They are soaking wet. Randy holds a shoebox.

30 EARL (V.O.) So, after a stop at Moodys creek to pick up the next plague, Randy and I headed over to the church. EARL (whispering) You got everything? RANDY (whispering) I think so. Randy opens the shoebox, and he and Earl peer inside. RANDY (CONTD) 3 toads dont hardly seem like much of a plague, but they were all I could find. See that big one? I call him Godzilla. And that little one? Hes Godzuki. EARL Randy, I told you not to name the plagues. Youre just going to get attached to them. All right. Now, you remember what youre supposed to do? RANDY Got it. Just give me ten mississippis to get over there before you start. Randy scurries off, carrying the shoebox, while Earl takes out the megaphone. Just as he is about to start speaking, the power goes out. SISTER BECKY All right, everybody stay calm. Its just the storm. Im sure the power will be back on shortly. EARL (on the megaphone) Attention everyone. This is God speaking. There a few surprised yelps from the choir. SISTER BECKY Earl? Is that you?

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EARL (on the megaphone) No. This is God. I have an important message for you. There is another yelp from a woman in the choir, and then a loud foot stamp. SISTER BECKY Marian? Are you all right? MARIAN Im OK. Something slimy just touched my foot, but Im pretty sure I killed it. Randy whimpers from the chancel. Godzuki! RANDY

EARL (on the megaphone) Anyway, as I was saying, I have an important message for you. SISTER BECKY This isnt funny, Earl! Now put that thing down and come out where I can see you. EARL I am God! Really! And Ive come to tell you A choir member screams and points at a window. Look!! WOMAN

Everyone looks at the window, where, in a flash of lightning, the blurred image of a womans face has appeared. It is similar to what Becky saw as a girl. EARL (to himself) Wow! Good one, Randy! Wish Id thought of that. Randy comes up behind Earl, making him jump.

32 RANDY Thought of what? Sister Becky hesitantly goes to the window and wipes away the condensation with her sleeve to reveal the Rabbi, soaked, her face pressed to the glass. Sister runs to the door to let her in. CUT TO: INT. VESTIBULE - MOMENTS LATER Sister Becky bustles Rabbi Wagner in from the storm, and helps her out of her soaked coat and scarf. SISTER BECKY What are you doing here? RABBI WAGNER I had a visitor this afternoon. Goes by the name of God? Perhaps youve heard of Him? What? SISTER BECKY

RABBI WAGNER Well, it wasnt ACTUALLY God Im pretty sure it was those crazy friends of yours from the nightclub the other night? SISTER BECKY Oh, no. You too? I dont believe this. (yelling) EARL! Get out here! NOW!! Earl and Randy appear at the entrance to the chapel, hanging their heads like naughty children. Sister is about to read them the riot act, but Rabbi stops her. RABBI WAGNER Rebecca. Wait. They didnt do anything wrong. Stupid, maybe, but not wrong. It got me thinking if this young man would go to such ridiculous lengths just to get us talking again? Maybe he got the idea from a higher source?

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SISTER BECKY (considers this for a moment) I just cant believe he thought wed fall for it. How stupid does he think we are? (she starts chuckling) RABBI WAGNER (also starts chuckling) Well, you have admit, we have been behaving like a couple of morons. (Sister stops chuckling) I mean I! Ive been behaving like a couple of morons Sister Becky smiles again, shaking her head. RABBI WAGNER (CONTD) So what do you say? Can you forgive a stubborn old yenta? SISTER BECKY Only if you can forgive a stubborn young shiksa. They hug. Earl looks relieved. CUT TO: INT. CHURCH LATER The power is still out, but theres a soft glow of candlelight. Sister Becky and Rabbi Wagner sit quietly together in a pew, listening to the choir rehearse. Earl and Randy sit behind them. Earl looks thoughtful. Randy is cradling Godzuki and softly weeping. EARL (V.O.) I guess when you get right down to it, all religions are pretty much the same. Whether youre Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or whatever it all comes down to one thing: He takes out his list and crosses off a line.

34 EARL (V.O.) (CONTD) Screwing up your kids. He carefully folds the list and tucks it back in his shirt pocket. FADE OUT

THE END