Modern Family "Mirror, Mirror" Written by Betsy McNeely

#WGA 1428054 818-263-9767 beernbrats@gmail.com

ACT ONE JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW JAY Would I change anything about my wifes looks? Jay and Gloria look blankly into the camera for a moment, then burst into uproarious laughter. MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW CAMERON One thing I would change about Mitchells looks? Ooh, thats a tough one. Let me think... MITCHELL Aw, thats sweet. CAMERON I can only pick one thing? INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY-DAY Cameron is packing supplies into a beach bag. CAMERON (calling off) Mitchell, the whole point of a sunset picnic at the beach is to actually see the sun set. Mitchell enters from the bedroom, wearing a dress shirt buttoned to his chin, jacket, dress slacks. Cameron eyes him up and down. CAMERON (CONTD) What, no tie? MITCHELL Why? You think I should? I wasnt sure... yeah, youre right. Just give me a second. He hurries back to the bedroom.

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CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW PHIL I wouldnt change a thing. I mean, getting old together, seeing those bags and wrinkles appear? Thats what marriage is all about, right? Beat. CLAIRE (coughing into her fist) Ear hair. MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW CAMERON Actually, there is only one thing. And we both know exactly what it is. We do? MITCHELL

CAMERON Dont play dumb. You know what Im talking about. Oh. That. Yes. That. MITCHELL CAMERON

JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW Jay and Gloria are still laughing. MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW CAMERON (CONTD) I designed an extremely tasteful tattoo, with the initials M, C and L, intertwined inside a heart. To symbolize our family. MITCHELL Its a bit much. CAMERON Its a statement. But it loses its meaning if Im the only one sporting it.

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MITCHELL Yes, well, I have a pathological loathing of needles. Beat. And tattoos.

CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW CLAIRE You know, I have been mistaken for Haleys sister. PHIL Really? When? CLAIRE Um... just last week, as a matter of fact. At the dry cleaners. PHIL You mean old Mrs. Johnson? Honey, she mistakes me for Haleys sister. MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW MITCHELL What would I change about Camerons appearance? Mitchell gets a deer caught in headlights look. CAMERON Oh, its all right. You can say it. MITCHELL Really? Youre okay with it? CAMERON Im fine. Its not like its any secret. Its the big, pink, gay elephant in the room. MITCHELL I wouldnt put it that way-CAMERON He wants me to get my nipples pierced. Mitchell resumes the shined deer look.

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INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY Cameron is folding laundry. The television is on. Suddenly he reacts to whats on it: an ad for an exercise video starring an impossibly ripped Adonis. CAMERON (calling off) Mitchell. Get in here. You are not going to believe this. Mitchell enters. CAMERON (CONTD) Isnt that...? MITCHELL Hey. Trevor. Yeah, he told me he was starting up a personal training business. CAMERON He told you? When? MITCHELL When we had lunch last week. I told you. CAMERON No, I think I would remember you telling me that you had lunch with your ex. Especially an ex you said you broke up with because he didnt care about his appearance, and who is suddenly in our living room looking like Mr. Universe. MITCHELL Actually, he is Mr. Universe this year. Pretty amazing, huh? He used to be bigger than you. Off Camerons look: MITCHELL (CONTD) I mean... hes okay, you know... if you like that sort of thing. Which I dont. Ew. Um... oh, is Lily up from her nap already? Mitchell hurries off to Lilys room.

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MITCHELL INTERVIEW MITCHELL (CONTD) I wouldnt be unhappy if Cameron lost some weight. And it has nothing to do with attractiveness. Id love him even if he weighed a thousand pounds. (softly) Please dear God dont make me prove that. (normal) I just want him to be healthy. And to set a good example for Lily. But every time he tries to diet he gets... well... INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - FOOTAGE Mitchell is in the kitchen, jotting something down on a note pad. Cameron is in the living room. MITCHELL Cam? Im making out a grocery list. Do you want me to pick up some more of that brie you like? Cameron leaps off the couch, hysterical. CAMERON Dont judge me, Mitchell! Im doing the best that I can! Not everybody was blessed with the metabolism of a hummingbird, you know! Cameron flees to the bedroom and slams the door. MITCHELL INTERVIEW MITCHELL Nope. I am perfectly fine with him just the way he is. INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Jay is at the table while Gloria is preparing lunch. Manny enters, dejected. He slumps into a chair across from Jay. GLORIA Whats wrong, Papi? MANNY Tiara Michaels wont go out with me because Im fat.

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GLORIA What? Miejo, you are not fat. You are just going through a little husky phase. You probably misunderstood her. MANNY I dont think so. I said Tiara, would you do me the honor of attending the Fitness Challenge picnic with me? And she said No. And I said Why not? And she said Because youre fat. JAY Yep, no misunderstanding that. GLORIA Please. Im sure you could do this fitness challenge better than any boy in your class. MANNY You think? Yeah, maybe youre right. If I started training now, then I could show Tiara my physical prowess and shell be dying to go out with me. GLORIA See? Thats my boy. JAY Hang on a sec there, Schwarzenegger. As I recall fencing and tango are not part of the test. Its about endurance and strength. MANNY Would you train me? GLORIA Thats an excellent idea. JAY Sure it is. Ive been meaning to get that pesky first heart attack out of the way for a while now. INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY Claire is waiting in line behind a woman (PAM) currently being waited on by the elderly MRS. JOHNSON. When Pam gets her order and turns to leave, she looks at Claire.

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PAM Claire? Oh my God, Claire Pritchett? Claire blinks for a moment, trying to place her. Finally it hits her. CLAIRE Pam Olsen? No way! They hug, then pull back to look at each other. CLAIRE (CONTD) You look amazing! PAM (smiling)) And youre still full of it. CLAIRE No, seriously. You look like you havent aged a day since high school. Whats your secret? PAM Well, just between you and me, Ive had a little help. CLAIRE What, you mean like surgery? PAM Shh. Dont ask, dont tell, right? PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW CLAIRE Im really tired of the double standard our society imposes on women when it comes to aging. I mean, when Brad Pitt grows a salt and pepper beard its hip and trendy. But when my Aunt Barbara does it... Phil shudders. CLAIRE (CONTD) Well, yeah. Okay, its disturbing.

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INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS PAM Really Claire, its no big deal these days. Why not take the help if its out there, right? CLAIRE I dont know. Its seems a bit extreme to me. PAM Nonsense. Here, let me give you my doctors card. Pam opens her wallet and hands Claire a business card. PAM (CONTD) He could work wonders with those crows feet. Whats the harm in checking it out? Mrs. Johnson waves to Pam. MRS. JOHNSON Miss? Miss, you forgot your change. Pam gives Claire a wink and a smile, gathers her change and heads out. Claire steps up to the counter. MRS. JOHNSON (CONTD) Oh, hi there Mr. Dunphy. I didnt recognize you. EXT. JAY & GLORIAS BACKYARD - DAY Jay and Manny are dressed in workout attire, seated on the ground. Manny struggles to do a sit up. (grunting) Nine... Two. MANNY

JAY

Manny glares at him. Strains through another sit up. Three... Two... MANNY JAY

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MANNY What? You said the last one was two. JAY The last one was a half. Gloria comes out of the house, carrying a tray with a pitcher of ice water and two glasses. As soon as Jay sees her, he quickly starts doing a sit up himself. JAY (CONTD) And... thirty. See? Nothing to it. Gloria sets the tray down on the patio table and smiles at them. INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY Mitchell is putting away some dishes. Cameron comes in with an arm load of groceries. He proudly starts unpacking the items. MITCHELL Whats all this? CAMERON The makings of Cameron two point oh. Vitamins, herbal cleanser, organic produce... MITCHELL Oh. Another diet? CAMERON No, Mitchell, diets are a thing of the past. This is the start of a whole new lifestyle for me. MITCHELL Um...great? CAMERON I know what youre thinking. But this time its going to be different. This time, I have put myself in the capable hands of your Mr. Universe, and he is going to make me hard as a rock. Off Mitchells look: CAMERON (CONTD) Mind out of the gutter please.

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EXT. JAY & GLORIAS BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS GLORIA You are both working so hard. I thought you could use a little refreshment. JAY Thanks. I admit, at first I was a little out of shape, but now its all coming back to me. GLORIA I see that. But I think some of those muscles have gone to your head. Youve forgotten how to count. Manny, thats three. Jay, thats one. Gloria pulls a whistle out of her blouse and blows it. GLORIA (CONTD) Now come on. Let me see some sweat. JAY INTERVIEW Jay looks over his shoulder to ensure that he is alone, then leans conspiratorially into the camera. JAY Okay. I lied. There is something I would change about the way Gloria looks. END OF ACT ONE

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ACT TWO CLAIRE - INTERVIEW CLAIRE Seeing Pam again got me thinking. Whats wrong with getting a little help to feel better about yourself? I mean, theres no harm in just checking it out, right? INT. DOCTORS EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY Claire sits on the exam table, while a male DOCTOR (40s) closely inspects her face. DOCTOR I must say, Mrs. Dunphy, you have lovely skin for a woman your age. CLAIRE Thank you. So... I really dont need anything done? DOCTOR I didnt say that. Oh. CLAIRE

The doctor finishes his examination and pulls a roll of surgical tape out of a drawer. DOCTOR What I suggest is something called a tape lift. I place a small amount of tape at key points, just under your hairline where it wont show. Its temporary, but it will give you an idea of what surgery might do for you. CLAIRE Wow. I can test drive a new face? DOCTOR In a way. Surgery is a major decision. I want my patients to be absolutely certain that its the right choice for them. CLAIRE Or maybe decide they dont really need it after all?

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DOCTOR I didnt say that. INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY Cameron is pouring a health shake into a glass from a blender. He grimaces as he chokes down a sip. Mitchell walks in, pulls some leftovers out of the refrigerator and starts to prepare a plate for himself. He finally notices Cameron glaring at him. What? MITCHELL

CAMERON Must you do that in front of me? MITCHELL This is the kitchen. Its where we keep the food. Where else am I supposed to do it? Cameron keeps glaring. Finally Mitchell gathers up the food and heads for the hallway. MITCHELL (CONTD) Right. What was I thinking? Lilys changing table is a perfect food prep surface. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Alex sits at the island, her head bent over some homework. Claire enters and waits for a reaction to her new look. CLAIRE Hey honey. What are you working on? ALEX (not looking up) Book report. Were reading The Portrait of Dorian Gray. CLAIRE Ooh. I love that movie. It scared the heck out of me when I was a kid. ALEX Yeah, well, this is the book, not the movie.

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CLAIRE The way that portrait looked at the end? Yuck. But he always looked so... young? Mm hm. ALEX

Phil and Haley enter carrying grocery bags. Haley sets hers down, then turns and faces Claire. HALEY Oh. My. God. CLAIRE What? Notice anything different? HALEY Are those my earrings? CLAIRE What? No. I mean, yes, I borrowed them, but... HALEY I cant believe you did that! CLAIRE OK. Fine. Ill take them off. HALEY Gross! I dont want them back now! Haley stomps off to her room. Luke enters, carrying an open dictionary. He slams it down on the counter in front of Alex. LUKE Ha! See? I told you. What do you say now, Miss Brainiac? ALEX Youre right. Im speechless. PHIL Whats going on? LUKE Alex told me that gullible wasnt in the dictionary. But I found it. PHIL Oh snap. Atta boy, buddy. Im proud of you.

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Phil and Luke exchange low fives and exit. Alex finally looks at Claire. ALEX Admit it. You drank while you were pregnant with him, didnt you? INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Manny is making the mother of all sandwiches. Jay walks in and snatches it away. JAY Not on my watch, pal. MANNY But I always have a snack when I get home from school. JAY I dont know what it means in Spanish, but in English a snack is not a weeks worth of groceries stuffed between two slices of bread. MANNY Im hungry. Jay puts Mannys sandwich in the refrigerator, pulls out a yogurt. JAY There ya go. Manny looks longingly at his sandwich, then sighs and takes the yogurt. MANNY Tiara, I hope you appreciate the depth of my sacrifice for you. Manny mopes off. Jay pulls Mannys sandwich back out of the refrigerator as Gloria enters. GLORIA Oh, thank you. Im starving. She kisses Jay on the cheek, takes the sandwich and exits, leaving Jay with the same longing look that Manny had.

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INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON Claire is angrily putting away dishes, slamming drawers and cupboards. Phil enters, putting on a jacket. PHIL Honey, have you seen my briefcase? CLAIRE No. But then again, Im getting so old these days that my eyesight is probably going. PHIL Uh-oh. Is this about using the last of your tampons for Lukes voodoo doll project? Look, I promise Ill pick up a jumbo pack on the way home, but Ive got a showing in about 10 minutes. CLAIRE Of course you do. Its always about you, isnt it? Its not like I have any feelings. Im just the old ball and chain. Emphasis on old. PHIL Yikes. The mother lode. Okay. Just let me call the Bartletts and reschedule, all right? Then its punishpalooza time. CLAIRE Wait. No. Im sorry. Its not you, its me. PHIL (panicked) Oh my God, Claire, are you divorcing me? In the background Alex walks by, and freezes as she hears this. She creeps to the door frame and eavesdrops. CLAIRE What? No. I guess Im just a little hurt, thats all. I tried this thing called a tape lift, to try and look a little younger? And not one of you noticed.

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PHIL What? Honey, why would you do that? Dont you know youre the most beautiful woman in the world to us? Phil scoops her into his arms. CLAIRE I know. It was silly and vain. PHIL Ill say. Not to mention shallow, petty, narcissistic -CLAIRE Okay, not so much agreement. Right. PHIL

From her eavesdropping spot, Alex gets an idea. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEXS BEDROOM - LATER Alex and Luke are talking. ALEX Im not supposed to tell you this, but we had another brother before you. His name was Dorian. LUKE Dorian? What happened to him? ALEX Nobody knows for sure. One day Mom started looking weird. She couldnt stop smiling, but there was something really creepy about that smile. Like what? LUKE

ALEX Like she hadnt eaten in a year, and Dorian was a Paula Deen ham. One night, he just... disappeared. I remember Mom made a big dinner that night, though, with fava beans and a nice chianti? After that, we never saw or spoke of Dorian again. Luke looks doubtful but nervous.

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EXT. STREET - DAY Jay, Manny and Cameron are jogging. They are all visibly struggling and miserable, and finally stop to catch their breath. Suddenly Cameron straightens up, sniffing the air. He looks around wildly and spots the source of the aroma: a Fatburger. He looks pleadingly at Jay and Manny, and the three share a secretive handshake before jogging into the restaurant. INT. FATBURGER - LATER Cameron, Jay and Manny sit in a booth, feasting. CAMERON Oh, I needed this. If Id had one more wheatgrass shake you couldve thrown a bell around my neck and called me Flossy. MANNY Its not natural. Human beings are omnivores, just like pigs. Were supposed to eat everything. JAY Just not in one sitting, huh? CAMERON The least Mitchell could do is appreciate the effort Im making. Im going through hell for him, but does Mr. I-have-to-turn-aroundtwice-to-cast-a-shadow even notice? Shameful. MANNY

CAMERON I know, right? JAY Yeah, its rough, but worth it. I know Im already pushing my luck to the breaking point with Gloria. The least I can do is not grow a set of moobs on her. MANNY What are moobs?

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JAY Keep scarfing those chili fries. Youll find out. INT. TREVORS GYM - DAY Trevor stands over Cameron, who is struggling to complete a set of bench presses. TREVOR Come on, Cameron. My grandmother could work harder than that, and she's been dead for 6 years. CAMERON Right now I would gladly trade places with her. TREVOR Three more. And three ... two ... and, last one. Cameron collapses and waits for praise on his achievement. Trevor just picks up a clipboard and writes something down. CAMERON Youre not big on the whole positive encouragement thing, are you? TREVOR When you do something worthy of a compliment, you'll get one. CAMERON Huzzah. Theres that reason to live Ive been searching for. TREVOR Cameron, this is my business. I take it very seriously, and I dont appreciate it when my clients dont. CAMERON Who says Im not taking it seriously? TREVOR The five pounds youve gained this week?

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CAMERON Honestly, Officer, theyre not mine. Somebody must be trying to frame me. TREVOR Fine. Have it your way. Just dont blame me when Mitchell walks out on you too. CAMERON Like that would ever happen. TREVOR Yeah, I used to think that too. Then one night we were getting ready to go out. Mitchell just looked me up and down and said Is that what youre wearing? CAMERON He likes to help those less fashion fortunate than himself. TREVOR It wasnt just that. He made up some bogus errand he suddenly had to run. Said we should take separate cars. Then he stood me up. And the next day? Poof. We were over. Cameron tries to be nonchalant, but looks a little uncertain. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEXS ROOM - DAY Alex is lying on her bed reading. Claire enters with a laundry basket. ALEX Mom? Are you feeling okay? CLAIRE Of course, honey. Why? ALEX I dont know. A few days ago you looked really great, but now... What? CLAIRE

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ALEX Well, dont take this the wrong way? But youre looking sort of... old. CLAIRE No, sweetie, Im just looking my age. What you saw before was a moment of temporary insanity. ALEX Really? Because I thought you looked amazing. CLAIRE You did? It was that noticeable to you? ALEX Totally. Whatever you did you should definitely do it again. CLAIRE I dont know. It was just a little tape lift. Im not even sure I could do it by myself. ALEX I could help you. You could? CLAIRE

ALEX Sure. We could do it for Grandpas tonight. Ill make you look even younger than Gloria. Claire bristles. INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - EVENING Mitchell is packing up Lilys things. Cameron enters from the bedroom, proudly wearing a shirt that is several sizes too small. CAMERON Ta da! Look what I fit into again. MITCHELL Is that what youre wearing? Cameron gapes at him. Mitchell doesnt notice, just goes back to doing a quick inventory of Lilys supplies.

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MITCHELL (CONTD) Whoops. Forgot Mr. Binky. Be right back. Mitchell heads off to Lilys bedroom. On the coffee table, his cell phone beeps. Cameron surreptitiously picks it up. He sees a text message from Trevor: TEXT MESSAGE Need 2 C U luvr. Come 2 gym 2nite. Alone! - T Cameron is aghast. Mitchell enters with Mr. Binky, Cameron quickly puts the phone down. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - EVENING Phil, Haley and Luke are at the front door with their coats on, ready to leave for Jay & Glorias. PHIL (calling upstairs) Honey? Come on. Were gonna be late. Claire comes downstairs, Alex following behind her. Claire has a severe smiling, surprised look on her face. Luke yelps when he sees her and cowers behind Phil. Phil and Haley just gape at her for a moment. Then: HALEY Is that my necklace? END OF ACT TWO

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ACT THREE INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT Jay opens the door for the Dunphys. Luke bursts in, grabbing Jay tightly around the knees. LUKE Grandpa! Dont let her eat me! Jay looks down at Luke, puzzled. JAY Dont let who eat you? Your -He looks up and sees Claire. JAY (CONTD) Sweet mother of mercy! What the hell happened to you? CLAIRE I know, its a little extreme. But I really think everyones over reacting. Its not that bad. JAY Yeah? Prove it. Blink for me. Claire struggles to close her eyes. She cant. JAY (CONTD) Thats what I thought. Well, at least Lily wont feel like the only Asian in the family now. Manny and Gloria come into the foyer. Manny is proudly waving a piece of paper. He sidles up to Haley. MANNY Good evening, Haley. After my triumph at the Fitness Challenge picnic today, the only thing that could make the day sweeter is seeing your lovely face tonight. Haley glances at the paper Manny holds. HALEY That just says participant. MANNY Impressive, isnt it?

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INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Mitchell packs up Mr. Binky. Cameron & Lily hurriedly head for the front door. CAMERON Okay. Thats everything. Lets go. Mitchell follows them out and closes the door. A moment later they enter again. MITCHELL I knew I forgot something. See? This what happens when you rush me. Mitchell looks around the room. Cameron gets panicky. CAMERON Really, Mitchell? Cant you go without it for just one night? MITCHELL No, Charlie said he might call to discuss those contracts... ah. There it is. Mitchell picks up his phone from the coffee table and sees the text from Trevor. MITCHELL (CONTD) Oh. And, um, there he is. Look, I dont want to hold you up. Why dont you and Lily go on ahead and Ill meet you there? Cameron looks horrified. INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - FOYER - LATER The family is settled in the living room as Jay moves to answer the door. Luke is still clinging to his leg. Jay opens the door to Cameron & Lily. Cameron is still wearing the ill-fitting shirt. JAY And of course, no family gathering would be complete without an appearance by Baby Huey. CAMERON Oh, Jay. How Im going to miss that sardonic wit.

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Cameron enters and faces the family. He is very distraught. CAMERON (CONTD) Hello everyone. I just came to drop off Lily. I dont want to make a scene. Im no good at goodbyes. JAY What are you talking about? You just got here. CAMERON Please Jay. I need to get through this. Ive been rehearsing the whole way over here. Cameron takes a deep, quavering breath. CAMERON (CONTD (CONTD) I just wanted to tell you all how much Ive loved being a part of your family. I will carry the memory of each and every one of you in my heart until the day I die. But alas, the time has come for us to bid adieu. The family gathers around him, expressing concern and confusion. Cameron finally loses it. CAMERON (CONTD) (wailing) Mitchells leaving me for another man! INT. TREVORS GYM - LATER Mitchell enters as Trevor is finishing a bench pressing set. MITCHELL Hey. You wanted to see me? TREVOR Yeah. Just give me a sec. Trevor finishes his set, pulls his shirt off and wipes his face with it. He notices Mitchell looking and grins. TREVOR (CONTD) See anything you like? MITCHELL Yes. No. What is this about? Is it about Cameron? (MORE)

25. MITCHELL (CONT'D) Because I know he can be a bit difficult at times, but ---

TREVOR Mitchell, what are you doing with him? Excuse me? MITCHELL

TREVOR I know you've always had selfesteem issues. But seriously... that loser? You really think you cant do any better than him? MITCHELL Cameron is not a loser. TREVOR Whatever you say. But isn't this a little more appealing? Trevor pushes in close to Mitchell and flexes impressively. Mitchell tries not to look. TREVOR (CONTD) Admit it. You sent Cameron here because youre dying to ride the Trevor train again. Well, Ive got good news. I'm inclined to let you. Trevor moves in for a kiss. INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER Jay, Claire and Phil talk quietly. CLAIRE God, can you believe this? I feel so awful for Cameron. Jay scrutinizes her. JAY Yeah. Its written all over your face. PHIL I for one am deeply disappointed in Mitchell. I mean, were all surrounded by temptation, every day. (MORE)

26. PHIL (CONT'D) But while its great to think about, the trick is to stay strong and not give in to it.

CLAIRE Really? And just what temptations are you not giving in to? PHIL Are you mad? Cause you sound mad, but your face says happy. CLAIRE What do you think? PHIL Im gonna go with... mad? CLAIRE Good answer. The doorbell rings. Jay starts to move, but is impeded somehow. JAY (to Claire) You mind? CLAIRE No. Ive got it. As she heads out to answer the door, Luke is revealed to still be clutching Jays leg. INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS Claire walks to the front door, passing Gloria who is comforting Cameron on the sofa. Claire opens the door and Mitchell enters. Upon seeing him, Cameron leaps to his feet. CAMERON (hysterical) No! I cant do this now! Im just not ready! He runs off to a bedroom, with Gloria following. Before she exits, Gloria throws Mitchell an angry look. GLORIA Mitchell, how could you? You hewhore! She hurries after Cameron.

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MITCHELL What? What does Hee Haw have to do with anything? He looks at Claire, notices her face. CLAIRE Dont give me that look. I agree with her. MITCHELL Im giving you a look? Wow. And here I was thinking this night couldnt get any stranger. INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER Mitchell pours Claire and himself a glass of wine. Claire is sitting in profile. MITCHELL I cant believe he thinks I would leave him for Trevor. CLAIRE I know. But you can pretty insensitive sometimes, Mitchell. MITCHELL What are you talking about? CLAIRE Uh, hello? Notice anything different about my face? MITCHELL Thats not insensitivity. Thats tactfully avoiding the subject. CLAIRE Why does everybody think its so awful? MITCHELL Youve really never seen Tim Burtons Batman? CLAIRE Come on. Its not that bad. MITCHELL Its close. And that redness certainly isnt helping. Is it supposed to do that?

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CLAIRE What redness? Mitchell walks her over to a mirror, where her full face is visible. One half of it is covered in a blotchy, angry rash. Claire screams. Luke runs through the kitchen in a panic. LUKE (yelling) Grandpa! INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER Mitchell knocks softly and peeks around the door. MITCHELL Hey. Gloria, would you mind leaving us alone for a minute? GLORIA Si. But just so you know, Mitchell, I have several Colombian hit men on my speed dial, eh? MITCHELL Id be disappointed if you didnt. Gloria exits. Mitchell sits on the bed next to Cameron, who refuses to look at him. MITCHELL (CONTD) Cam, honey, I am so sorry I lied to you. But I swear its not what you think. CAMERON Really? Is that what you told Trevor too? MITCHELL No. You are not Trevor. And I thank God every day for that. You do? CAMERON

MITCHELL Of course I do. Because I was never in love with Trevor. The only good thing that came out of that relationship is that I learned what I really wanted in a partner. (MORE)

29. MITCHELL (CONT'D) Things that Trevor could never be. Things that I instantly recognized in you when we met a few months later.

CAMERON You mean that? MITCHELL With all my heart. You want the truth? Fine. Yes, Trevor asked me to meet him tonight ... because ... he wanted to tell me that hes developed deep feelings for you. CAMERON Oh my God. How did I miss that? That explains so much. It does? MITCHELL

CAMERON Of course. Oh, it all makes sense now. He was totally hitting on me. MITCHELL Um...right. And he wanted me to ask you to find another trainer, because he just didnt think he could trust himself to be around you again. CAMERON Naturally. Oh, the poor dear. You know, I never meant to hurt him. I know. MITCHELL

CAMERON And you? Do you forgive me for being the snoopy, distrusting fish wife? MITCHELL What can I say? I love you, warts and all. They hug. While still embraced: MITCHELL (CONTD) So Trevor was hitting on you?

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INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - FOYER - LATER The entire family is gathered by the front door. Gloria is holding Lily. Claire has a towel over her head. MITCHELL (to Gloria) Thanks for watching Lily for us. We have a certain romantic stop to make on the way home. Something weve been putting off for too long. JAY Thats probably too much information. GLORIA Its our pleasure. I am just so happy you two worked things out. She kisses both Mitchell and Cameron on their cheeks, then elbows Jay. GLORIA (CONTD) Jay? Arent you happy they worked things out? JAY Aw geez. Yeah. All right. He gives Cameron an awkward hug. CAMERON Ooh, Jay. Those pecs are really shaping up nicely. No moobs at all. Jay abruptly breaks the embrace. JAY And moments over. Jay turns to Claire, peeks under the towel. JAY (CONTD) You okay in there, Elephant Girl? Claire nods. PHIL Shell be fine. We just need to swing by the store on the way home and pick up some Benadryl. And tampons.

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JAY Again with the information. Claire peels back the towel. CLAIRE (to Phil) Oh, while youre in there, could you get another bottle of that nice chianti we had? Ive been craving it lately. Luke jumps back onto Jays leg, whimpering. EXT. TATTOO & PIERCING PARLOR - NIGHT Mitchell and Cameron are standing outside. JAY (V.O.) I guess when it comes right down to it, our self image mainly comes from the reflection of ourselves we get from our loved ones. My wife gets this expression sometimes, when she thinks Im not looking. She lowers her head, cocks it to one side, and gets this lopsided smile. As Jay describes the look, Mitchell gives it to Cameron. They link arms and enter the tattoo shop. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - MASTER BATHROOM - NIGHT Phil gently finishes removing the tape from a very red, blotchy faced Claire. She is giving the Phil the look that Jay described. JAY (V.O.) When I see that look, I know that what shes seeing fills her with pride, and joy, and love. Phil takes Claires face in his hands, and slowly leans in to give her a kiss on the forehead. INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Luke is walking past the master bedroom. At the end of the hallway Alex can be seen in her room, reading. When Claires scream is heard, Luke panics and bolts for his bedroom. Alex looks up at the camera and grins.

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INT. JAY & GLORIAS HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT Jay and Manny have the makings of a feast spread out on the counter. Unseen by them, Gloria enters in the background. Jay and Manny look at the food, then exchange a guilty look and put it back in the refrigerator. They pull out ingredients for a salad and set to work making it. JAY (V.O.) So the one thing I would change about my wifes appearance? Id like to see that look a lot more often. In the background Gloria watches Manny and Jay and gets the look. JAY (V.O.) (CONTD) Like all day. Every day. FADE OUT. END OF ACT THREE

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TAG INT. MITCHELL & CAMERONS DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY Mitchell and Cameron sit on the sofa, watching television. Lily is on Mitchells lap. Trevors commercial comes on. Mitchell and Cameron exchange a grimace. Cameron reaches for the remote on the coffee table, and as he does so a loud ripping sound is heard. He straightens up immediately. CAMERON Not. One. Word. He aims the remote and clicks to change the channel. END OF SHOW