A Lifetime to Forget

I sat staring out over the highway, the cars and bikers out there were overheated. I enjoy the cool air in the bus, the jammed streets made me spent time with listening to Adeles song and I realized that this bus stopped in front of a school, Senior high School. Right away, I recalled a memory which I still remember. High school students who ran out wearing a gray-white uniform, joking with their friends strengthen my memory. Times when I struggled to find plenty of activities for me to get a distraction out of the shadows that haunt me all the time. Those days, when I was in 2nd high school until became a freshman at this university. This atmosphere blow my mind away when I led down a busy street, walking in the school library curb, makes me turned to the basketball court. Now suddenly I saw your figure, tall, grim-faced, walking among your friends wearing a blue and white basketball shoes you usually wear, that is always cutting my memory. Every time I read a book, any book, flipping through the pages, reading every word and random, suddenly I found your name, unconsciously I found your name among the crush of a million words that are printed in the book. When I listen to the radio and I heard your favorite song as the theme song of the broadcaster, it should be beautiful till it cut me off just like now. The senior high school moment is incredible, its plenty of stories. The petty love story that happened at that time succeed surprise me as a crust, its stuck in my head. Still fresh I remember when the first time I knew you, drummer of my friends band group. Your style is dismissive and arrogant, succeed pissed me off and later I call you a monster. One day, a friend contacted me with your cell phone so I kept it without knowing who the real owner. One day I accidentally call you and obviously, you are quite different person, your

replied sounds pretty nice with the "please" word and its like now on I'll stop calling you a monster. Till one day I was required to meet you in one shot, we start to communicate. Yes, you are ferocious just in outlook. It wasnt really clear but we are just connected, intense, day till night seems for our closeness. Technologies take the rule, we are chatting, calling and texting. Honestly, this closeness made me speculated, whats your real purpose anyway. A lot of possibilities came up, it just for a good friends, best friends, relatives and even "more". More? It almost impossible, but you did. You make me reflex turned my head around when anyone calls your name, succeed make my stomach queasy when you passed in front of my class, simply, because you're funny and you're kind of person who can read my mind, Im frozen. The "more" process itself was going well until I realized there is a huge invisible wall that makes me fall. That makes us look like water and fire, which is very difficult to come together, our Beliefs. I thought that I'd prefer to make it easy, prefer to think about what will be happen soon, the differences problem will be discussed in the next chapter. No, I'm joking, with this closeness, in several times I wonder if you and I are the same". Maybe everything will go much easier. The topics discussed move to privacy until you say you need someone in your life. Speculated? Me? Yup. Until one day when you actually asked me to help you to find the right person for you. You asked me to help you to find someone. Hurt feeling? Maybe, but isnt my own fault for always speculating, right. Refused him? Of course not, I cant resist to help him as long as I can. Occasionally, in the evening when you and I were texting, you say that you are the worst, so that no one wants to be with you. You feel you do not deserve to anyone and despair. Try to comfort you, I give you stupid advice that there are no such things, it's just a matter of time. You just need patience to get all of it.

At one point, you say you have a crush, a dream girl that you want. Shocked? Definitely, yes. And again I feel stupid in a way guiding you, helping your way to getting closer to the girl. I'm also confused why I liked to help you when I didnt feel good, there's something strange here. You said everything went smoothly except that over time, the girl was away, giving I dont want you again signal. You're sorry yourselves, youre suffers, feel abject and linger grief. Feels like Dj vu, as your thought that you were useless but it just because you have not found the right one for you. It seems the natural law was leading me, I said you should be quiet, and there must be someone who is willing to accept you. But you said you do not believe it and insisted like a silly child. You want me to show any evidence, any clues and insist to find out, whether the person is really exists or not. I kept dodging for several days, each time he asked and discussed about it, I always changed the topic. Every time I saw him, it just like chased by the dark angel and gave a million reasons to escape quickly, till one night,

KABOOM
I dont know what kind of things in his mind, suddenly text me "I knew the person who we're talk about all of this, ..." I have not finished reading, the next second time my heart count slowly up to the explosion, without my permission then he wrote " it's you ... right?" Once more I read, ITS YOU RIGHT?. No emoticons that always adorn our text as signs that we are happy, sad or joking. It is plain text without any signs, I knew he guessed it seriously, and (unfortunately) right into my head. I'm dead. Seems I'm sick with all of it, I'm

exhausted being hunted by the dark angel, I'm tired the new topic, I was tired all of the time to help this big guy looking for new targets, I'm just tired. Fatigue that led me into foolish courage, without thinking I replied him "yes, it's me, so what now?" I know you must be wondering, Boy, especially me, confused as spinning coaster. As I remember that night, our conversation just stopped. The next day I still remember very well, i need to go to Chemistry Laboratory and definitely I passed the back of his class, and he will see me through. I do not want to. I prefer to go further the school. The absurdity of Chemistry with the figures and potions were getting weird in my head with all that I remembered last night. "Why did I say that?" I blame myself, incessantly from last night. But, so what, I already did it. No more sms or anything until three days ahead, my heart was beating faster every day, every time, my brain was speculate endlessly. Worried if he told his friends and then laugh at me, afraid that he'll hate me, afraid that if I look stupid, I want to disappear from this place. In one night I tried to concentrate on my assignments, I do not want to think of things that wasting my time. I tried desperately to accept an advice that students had to study hard. This advice sometimes considered too old, but its very useful at this times. Till the last minute of silence my phone was vibrate of incoming sms, as fast as I opened my inbox and there I saw that name of -Jonathan- (but I prefer called him a monster). Seems nothing had ever happened, he wrote "hi, how are you, long time no see"

Big question mark in my head. What kind of the way of thinking he chose to behave as there's nothing happen in a few days ago while I was bloody crying. Briefly, I also chose the same way of thinking, I replied him flatly, like amnesia and I said "Im good, you?" We were texting and never talked about the topics I cannot forget. Until one day, for the second time I was convicted a big - big stone. The monster is indeed known where my junior high school I come from, and this time he just asked me about a girl who went to school with me. The girl I only know without a close relation, have no idea. The monster was targeting for information about her, over time makes me think 'how if he just make a fun on me? Because you know I met lots of people and you know I've fallin in love and I will help you? (silly)'. I do feel played, without mercy he did not care about my feelings and concern for his ego getting another girl. Thought his brain was not working properly? Is he a man who believes in logic concerned without feelings? You idiot. But here I am the dumb. Feels I did not want to miss these moments, texting with you (still) I want to help, at least find a bit. Apparently my classmate was a friend of the monster crush (lucky him). I was provoking my friend, friend of the girl. Once, twice I was asked about the girl friend of mine over time it also tells the girl's love story and its beyond expectations. Quite painful stories for a labile guy like Monster and I chose to not tell him until one day he forced me to tell it all. EVERYTHING.

Fed up with this, I told him, that kind of 'material girl'. Unexpected, the Monster reacts like a real MONSTER. He was angry at me, he accused me all out. "You just hate this girl, dont even try to act like you want to help me " "me? hate? I've helped you " "you just jealous till you speak like that" "but it's the news from her best friend, if you dont? thanks for asking me as your informant" Stop here, im high temperature and tears. Puffy and swollen eyes accompanied me to school, as if a million people questioned it I was too deaf to answer it. Short and easily guessed, within a year and half that silly events happened two times and the last was the worst. I and Monster prefer not to greet each other, disappear from the earth. Day after day this heart crushed as hell, sore and burn, especially when remembered that he would never care about the pain that I felt. Luckily he had graduated from school, even though the news about him still heard at least I do not need to see him in my life. I do feel better, but I'm not saying that the pain was gone. A few months after graduation he still appears at school, stay practice in the school basketball court, if we were accidentally met, I prefer to keep in a million silent resentment and hatred but actually there

is a point of feeling sorry for any upset feelings. Especially when I know, he succeeded bout the girl, lucky the Monster came from a rich family so he was not kicked by this girl. Day after day finally I went to university. One and a half years have exceeded the pain, not so sick but always remembered when I saw all the things about him. In addition to his relationship, things that I knew he was attending college out of town, that's why I'm happy to be in different city with him. The new atmosphere made me forget all of the things that happen in last years. In this city I really want to build everything, NEW. Until one afternoon, in the middle of my first semester, I walk to faculty in a good mood and someone greeted me from distance, "hey girl .." I was shocked and wanted to jump the river. THATS HIM. I just smiled and walk further without looking back. Million questions, what he is doing here? in this city? The pain came back and sicker than ever before. The rubble was collapsed. I could not wonder like this, I have to figure out what he's doing here. And in fact, in the same year he decided to go to university in this city, which I heard, its advice from his parents. Yes he was studying at a university in the same town as me. Oh god. Then I find a solution for myself, I had to find activities, keep myself busy. Want to try to find someone else to me, but it seems the process is more complicated. Eventually I did recover, mmm nope, I'm not recover, but immune. My activities, my college, my friends, my family, all of them helped me to move on, successfully 75%.

The news about his relationship, met him in the street, in social network, met his girlfriend in a Mall is no longer sickening me, just OH word emerged. Okay, with 75% I decided to recover, it's been two years since that hurt feeling moment. Up in the third semester I met my best friend in high school, talked about anything but different output in one topic. Monster and his girl relationships are dying. Honestly it feels like a fresh air, I want to laugh loudly. No, I just smile covered. A few weeks later, I know that everything is over. End of my pain, hatred and revenge gone as well as Monster and his relationship. The problem is similar with what Ive uttered at him from the first time, what kind of girl she is. Now it is fulfilled. Once again, I've closed all of them, and over. Just O-V-E-R. So, in fact, there are times when we cannot forget someone for whatever reason, good or bad, all the joy and sadness. Short time feels like years, seems it would ever be removed from our life. But everything must be passed. Two years is not short, but at least everything runs well. Well, I dont want to be a winner over his loss, but for me it is like "blessing in disguise". And just FYI, I and the Monster are friends till today, still have a contact in any media, the difference? I will not fall into the same mistake for the third time. My relationship and this big guy are good at the zone of friendship and it went very well. Everything just takes time

*everything is only a matter of choice and time

Ika A Larasati 0811113106 Creative Writing