Chapter 1: Commie Scum The name is Dawginham, and yes, I am a communist for the FBI.

I pose as one of those heartless, Godless, moronic scumbags that believe in Marxist theory and the economic equality of all so that I may expose those who would undermine the integrity and strength of this great nation. How did I get to do this? I was assigned because of my wide and bold mustache. Everybody knows that in order to be a good Cossack, you have to have a manly stache. I do. In addition to my Stalin-esque mustache, I fell into some luck about 5 years ago when a Soviet defectorIll call him Slimrackwhen Slimrack released to me documents that helped expose the extensive nuclear spy ring the Soviets set up here in our great nation. What rotten scum; what complete human filth they are. The documents were given to me too late, though, since the Russians exploded their own A-bomb only a month later. Slimrack, in return for his information, wanted amnesty in the United States. For me, however, the only thing worse than a scumbag communist is a scumbag communist traitor, so he was locked him up and tortured until he gave us valuable information about Soviet secret codes. Once we had the information we wanted, we tortured him some more. I have his testicles in a jar on my desk. Even though I turned on Slimrack, I still owe him for my promotion and the prestige of my current assignment. Well, it is prestigious only for me, that is no one else would think so. In order to help destroy the communists and their influence, Ive had to pose as one of them. No one except my commanders know of this, not even my wife or son. To everyone else I am just a strange man - a man they are starting to suspect of being a communist. I joined the American Communist Party and have been a card-carrying member for 14 months now. Like I said, many of my neighbors, and even my family, are starting to suspect from my rhetoric and my stache that I might be a commie. I even had to lie to be able to come to tonights party meeting. I told my wife I was going out to drink beer with the guys and get drunk. She was not very enthused about it, but as we all know, shed rather me be a rotten drunk than a commie, and I am forced to agree with her. I cannot, however, let my hate for the communists show or I risk blowing my cover. Even my own wife and son must not knowno matter how much embarrassment I must bear or bring to them. I especially cannot let my true identity out tonight, since I am currently on my way to a large party meeting. Before I enter, I must warn you, what happens inside is not pretty. I must, however, support this cause zealously, or else I may not be able to get the important information Ive been sent out to get. Ok, time for the meeting. Hello Dawginhamits going to be a great one tonight, said the foreman at the door. Yes, Im sure it will be. From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needsthats what I always say! I said. Oh, arent you going to remove your pants, sir? My pants?!? Yes sir, everyone inside is not wearing any pants. Its a new directive. Oh, ok. Why, though?

Well, if you think about it, pants are a symbol of capitalism and its evils. See, they tell you that you need pants so they can simply sell them to you. When the workers unite and overthrow the capitalist scum, no one will need to have pants. But everyone will see my junk, said I. Thats alright. Size only matters to capitalist scum. Here, all weenies are equal! What about the womenthey dont have weenies? I asked. Oh boyyou are right. That poses a major problem we havent thought about before. Stay here and let me go find the VP. As I stood there, my hatred grew. Communist bastards!!! I cannot believe the Kremlin now wanted to get rid of pants!!! I bet Comrade Stalin still wore his pants, and didnt have to have his hairy junk flap in the cold wind. I bet he didnt need to experience the cold sting of shrinkage like I was about to. Jesusit just hit me. The women also will have no pants on!!! Outrage!!! Half of the people inside at the meeting arent even married. I guess it doesnt matter, thoughthose communist bastards do nothing but have juicy, salacious, premarital sex all the time: Heathens!!! In factoh, here comes the VP. Dawginham, youre a genius! said the VP, I dont know why we didnt notice it before, but that is how sly those capitalist riff-raffs are. Penises are obviously the work of capitalist pigs who simply want to subvert the working class by bending them over and doing them from behind. In our new order, there will be no need for penises. All of us will have a nice, smooth pubic vee! For your good work at helping stop the capitalist scheme, I am going to let you be the first to cut off my long schlong! Oh, and it was long8 inches of man. I didnt want to mutilate him, though, so I had to think fast. Uh.Ive come up with another great idea. We wouldnt want the capitalist pigs to have auh, weapon against us, would we? No he replied. Whats your point? I think what we need to do is not take away our penises, but give the women penises, that way not only are we all equal, but we will have double the number of penises to use against the capitalists! My boy, my boy, replied the VP, That is pure genius. I will have to phone up the Kremlin now and get them to supply us with penises for every girl and woman. Penises for everyone!!! Then WE can be the ones that shove them up the bums of the capitalist pigs! Ill get on it right away. Excellent, I said. Im going to head on in now. Arent you forgetting something, said the VP. I proceeded to remove my evil capitalist pants. The cool wind blew against me.shrinky dink!!! I entered the auditorium where the meeting was being held. The blinding sight of bottomless people was everywhere, but I was on a mission and had to stay calm. Anyway, after 14 months of being a communist, I had put up with far worse directives from the Kremlin. For example, there was the one time we had to whitewash all of the black memberswe call them Commu-Nigs. I mean, literally, we had to paint them white. Some douche bag at the Kremlin read into The Communist Manifesto too deeply and somehow pulled an interpretation out of his ass that demanded, for the sake of equality, all people have the same skin tone. The flavor of this week seemed to be pants, and will probably soon be penises. Im sure, by tomorrow, Comrade Stalin will have a law forcing all of the Soviet proletariat to have their very own functioning apparatus of cock and balls.

The sight of overly-hairy communist vulva was making me ill. On top of that, the dingleberries seen from the rear were even worse. See, in Russia there has been a major shortage of toilet paper, and many have to wait in line for days to get some. Since, as a result, not everyone can wipe properly, a directive was sent out from the Kremlin to make sure no one had a cleaner arse than anyone else. Oh, how well Comrade Stalin manipulates his people, even as far out as right here in New York City! I bet Stalins anal sphincter is squeaky clean right now, though. Im sure....damn it, the bellId better get seated, the meeting is about to start!