Embracing the Challenging Behavior Child and Parent

By Linda Ranson Jacobs http://blog.dc4k.org www.divorceministry4kids.com

Learn To Laugh

Look Familiar?

Orchard Gardens K-8

A Turnaround School
Boston Public Schools

Fired security guards Got rid of 80% of teachers Hired teachers that could adapt ASAP Extended day 7:30-5:30 Changed attitudes

ACEs Too High

Lincoln High School - toxic stress damages kids brains If you want to change a kids behaviors - change the adults responses!

Adverse Early Childhood Experiences

ACEs at work

Stressed & challenging my friend Collin

Opportunity
Examine what is working
Think about what you need to change Take away new ideas

Give yourself permission to say,

It is okay! I didnt know what I didnt know

There is no one size fits all

Matthew 8:16 Demon possessed Matthew 9:6 Lame man Mark 8:22-23 Blind man Each child is an individual

He went back to teaching by the sea. A crowd built up to such a great size that he had to get into an offshore boat, using the boat as a pulpit as the people pushed to the waters edge. Mark 4:1 (Message)

Basic facts about children of divorce

Want attention Uncooperative kids = hurting kid Appear to be disrespectful Some are parenting younger siblings

James 4:1-2
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Dont they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but dont get it. You will and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight.

Relating James to the child of divorce

# 1 thing a kids wants parents together What adults do children will do Kids are reacting to the situation Try to control but it is a connection issue Connection = impulse control

Causes for kids reactions

Doesnt feel safe Chaos / no consistent schedule Fear of unknown Nervous energy Nutritional issues Sleep deprivation Other?

Rethinking the issue

If you have raced with men on foot and They have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? Jeremiah 12:5

Change your mind-set Develop new skills Ask God for wisdom Learn to accommodate

Change the mind-set

Children who are misbehaving are seeking external regulation. Heather Forbes

Stress causes distorted thinking Behavior becomes their voice Kids are doing the best they can to survive in the moment

Learn to accommodate
Adjust reactions in response to needs Adjust your response to meet each childs need Broken arm or broken heart They both hurt

Mistakes Weve Made

Firmness instead of tenderness

Time out when they really need to take a break Rewarding good behavior
How we worded things assertive voice

Time out
Childs self talk says
1.Im going to hit her tomorrow

1.What did I do wrong

1.Like Im going to sit here quietly

Reward systems
Rewards are based on adults judgment
Thinking skills are affected Learn other control Why try

Reward systems cont.

We should want kids to do things because 1.Intrinsic value 2.Feels good under the skin 3.Feels natural 4.Feels like it is right It is okay to CELEBRATE

Safety issue
Safekeeper talk
Im the safekeeper and its my job to keep you safe. Know what your job is? To help me keep things safe.

Tips that work

Who is in control?

Rehearsing and practicing

Use the childs name Help child make commitment

Use assertive voice not wimpy

Assertive Voice
Name ..Verb
David .Walk to the curb Kyra ..Listen to the story

Sam Finish your snack

Reframing
How could you be helpful? What would help you get started? What could you do to solve this problem? Whats your plan? When you _____, then you may ______ Is _______ being safe? What could be safe for you and others?

Giving choices
Offer 2 or three positive choices If you offer a positive and a negative choice that is manipulation

If you choose to ______ then ____ will happen. Do you understand? Tell children what you want them to do.

More mistakes weve made

Im sorry you cant _________ I need for you to ___________ I want you to __________

Praising children
Describe childs action instead of praising Generic praise doesnt work Comes across as judgmental Dont feel worthy of praise Think if they act bad enough May set out to prove you wrong

Sample Phrases
Oh well Bummer Whats your plan? You did it Shrug your shoulders

Childrens Behavior Becomes Their Voice

When they Dont feel safe Dont feel loved Are confused Are unsure of the future

Tips & Techniques

Relationships are of utmost importance Get to know each child - Last names - all last names

Joshs story

Other Tips
Kids feel powerless - offer choices Know your agenda Never ask a question you know the answer to

Whirlwind Kids
Cover up for intense pain

Nervous energy
Fear of feelings Nutritional issues

Lack of sleep

Disruptive
Operating from the lower level of the brain Their power has been taken away

Disorganized life style

Reacting to perceived perceptions

Aggressive
Lower levels of serotonin in the brain

Provide schedules and post them Speak clearly and in short phrases Dont be critical of behavior but set firm limits Help them feel safe Dont crimp on space

These children are valuable gifts

They teach us valuable lessons Improve your program / ministry Show weaknesses in your ministry Teach you to care deeply

Practical Solutions to Practically Every Problem

Although you may feel that this challenging child has come into your life just to make you miserable, he has not. He is acting the best and the only way he knows. Understanding the challenging child will help you feel positive, empathetic, and loving towards him, which may be the single most important thing you can do to reduce the behaviors. Be the Jesus hands and feet this child needs.

Together we can reach the heights of excellence and perform the extraordinary.

Could this be a child in your church?

A child of divorce?

This or

Or this.

Let my teaching fall like rain and my words

descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.
Deuteronomy 32:2 (NIV)

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What was helpful? What was missing? What will you do differently at your church?