Romantic Relationships

Social Psychology

I. Expectations
Components of a relationship Physical attraction: high arousal, passion, and sex Love: includes emotional intimacy, affection, & fulfillment of psychological needs Attachment: the process of becoming emotionally attached to a romantic partner o Secure: feel comfortable getting close to and depending on others o Avoidant: feel uncomfortable getting close to or depending on others o Anxious-ambivalent:

I. Expectations
Attraction (the beginning) Matching principle: tendency for people to get into relationships with those of similar attractiveness CLIP Hard to get effect: tendency to prefer people who are highly selective in their social choice over those who are very readily available
o No need to lay it out all on the line

I. Expectations
What are we attracted to?
o Cultural, sexual orientation, gender differences?? o Do people tend to have a physical type that they like?

Survey of heterosexual, Gay, & Lesbian singles

(Felmlee et al, 2010)

Results: Fun, sense of humor, sexy, intelligent, kind, supportive, confident, dresses well (or potential to), and nice body Some differences in rank order, but no differences between gender & sexual orientation on qualities

I. Expectations
Importance of knowing that someone actually likes you People have different motivations for flirting (Henningsen,
2004)

o Sex motivation: intent to have sex o Relational motivation: increase intensity of existing relationship o Exploring motivation: Asses interest in having an initial contact with a stranger o Fun motivation: enjoyable form of interaction o Self-esteem: to build own self-esteem o Instrumental:

I. Expectations

Miscommunication & flirting (Henningsen, 2004)

o Men and women read over scripts of person flirting

Results:
o Men more likely to attribute any form of flirting as sexually motivated o Women likely to attribute flirting to a desire to advance the relationship or have fun.

I. Expectations
Attachment style & irrational relationship beliefs

(Stackert, et al., 2003) Surveyed dating couples and assessed their attachment style and irrational relationship beliefs

o Irrational relationship beliefs: Partners cannot change; any disagreement is destructive; partner should be able to read mind; sexual perfection for every sexual experience Results: Those with anxious-ambivalent or avoidant attachment style more likely to have irrational relationship beliefs

I. Expectations
Romantic fantasies & womens interest in power (Rudman
& Heppen, 2003)

o Correational Study
Endorsement of romantic fantasies (implicit & explicit measures) Also measured interest in personal power (interest in high status jobs, educational goals, desire for leadership positions)

Results:

I. Expectations
Remember our old friend self-fulfilling prophecy Expectations can also play out in relationships Rejection expectancies and self-fulfilling prophecy
(Downey et al., 1998)

Surveyed couples (both members) in courting stage of relationship o Assessed expectations and hopes (including fear of rejection)
Results: Those with significant rejection expectancies were more likely to elicit rejection from their dating partners

 I. Expectations II. Dealing with difference & their issues

II. Dealing with conflict

What do couples fight about? (Krudek, 1994)

o Surveyed Heterosexual, Gay, & Lesbian Couples o Asked about their problems and then clustered them into sets of issues

Results:
o Power (Finances, Lack of equality in the relationship, Household tasks, overly critical; Leisure time) o Sex (Intimacy and sex) o Distrust (previous lovers, lying in relationship) o Personal flaws (clothing; driving; etc)

II. Dealing with Conflict

Four horsemen of the Apocalypse

o Criticism: Attacking your partners personality or character You always you never youre the type of person o Contempt: Attacking your partners sense of self with the intention to insult or abuse him or her Name-calling; hostile humor; sarcasm o Defensiveness: Seeing self as the victim, warding off a perceived attack Making excuses (its not my fault), cross-complaining (meet a complaint with your own complaint), yes-butting (agree, but lead to disagree) o Stonewalling:

II. Dealing with conflict

Cheating in couples (Mark, et al., 2011)? o Cheating as a male thing? Equal numbers (~24%) of both men and women reported cheating o Results: Happiness in relationship

 II. Dealing with conflict III. Do the little thingsthat the other person likes General factors to improve a relationship (Gottman, 2000)
o 1. Try to accentuate the positive, rather than eliminate the negative The folly of trying to change your partner Demonstrate interest and show affection Try to act like its the honeymoon period o 2. Create mutually meaningful goals Be together, by doing together Similarity is a stronger predictor of relationship success than dissimilarity (opposites attract)
Mutually meaningful goals, but not one merged identity (own lives is good)

III. Do the little thingsfor the other person

o 3. Improve communication during fights Poor outcomes o Stonewalling; kitchen sinking; disgust contempt Better outcomes
o o o o Avoid global statements; I feel vs. you are; Validation Accept influence 5 positive things (post-fight)

 II. Dealing with conflict III. Do the little thingsthat the other person likes General factors to improve overall communication

III. Do the little thingsfor the other person

o 1. Try not to focus on whos right and whos wrong Newsflash: Both of you think you are right Important that both take responsibility to move in positive direction o 2. Sometimes need to agree to disagree or not say every single thing you want to Lose the battle, win the war o 3. Dont rub your partners nose in a misstep or mistake Try not to look at it as who is winning Theoretically you are team o 4. Try to have fights in private W/ Kids (reduces modeling) In Public or around friends (can make fights worse) o 5. Try to put angry emotions aside or come back to discussion later Very rare that arguments get better when people are angry

III. Do the little thingsfor the other person

Gratitude Gratitude as a booster shot for relationships (Algoe, et al.,
2010)

o Conducted a daily-experience study of cohabitating couples o Each night they individually filled out surveys for two weeks o Measured receipt of small thoughtful gesture, gratitude, and relationship satisfaction
Results:
o Thoughtful gesture on one day predicted partners gratitude o Partners gratitude predicted relationship satisfaction & connection to partner