Love

in Interpersonal Relationships

Lecture by
Dr. Alan D. DeSantis

My Favorite Romantic Drama

What is Love?
◆ Robert Sternberg’s Three Ingredients
– 1. Intimacy
» -Sharing, communication, mutual support, trust
– 2. Passion
» Not just physical, also emotional
– 3. Commitment
» Long-term focus
Sternberg’s Ingredients
◆ All Three are needed!
– Only intimacy, you have friendship
– Only passion, you have infatuation/lust
– Only commitment, you have empty love
◆ But how can we account for the
different types of love people
experience?
Six Types of Love
From Lee (1976)

My Favorite Classic Romance

 The Theory of Love Types
◆ 1. We have all of these 6 “love types” in
our relationships
◆ 2. What separates us is the degrees of
each (each person is different) 6
◆ 3. Degrees can change with time 1
5
– In 10 years, #6 is largest / #4 is smallest
◆ 4. Every relationship we have may differ:
2
– In your first relationship, you are insecure
& passionate 4
» (Because s/he was non-committal & 3
sexual)
– In your next, you are calm & relaxed
» (Because s/he was nurturing and warm)
My Chart
– Key: Others make us who we are in
relationships
1) Eros Love
◆ Highly passionate, sexual, &
intense
◆ Often Believe in:
– Love as Magical
– Love as fate
– Love at first sight
◆ Very “American”
◆ Movie: Titanic / Romeo and Juliet /
Ghosts / Sweet Home Alabama / Natural
Born Killers / Princess Bride / Sleepless
in Seattle / Snow White, Sleeping Beauty
& Cinderella
– Hollywood loves eros love!
2) Ludus Love
◆ The “Players” love
◆ Will often:
– Keep their passions in check
– Avoid trouble and intensity
– Feel uncomfortable about commitment
– Keep secrets
– Have affairs
◆ Remember, we all have a little ludus in us
◆ When a relationship gets too intense (or is
no longer fun), they leave
◆ Movie: Great Expectations / St. Elmo’s
Fire / Cruel Intentions / Dangerous
Liaisons
– Hollywood’s Formula: Ludus plays with Eros--
Eros is crushed
3) Storge Love
◆ Peaceful and slow
– Not passionate and intense
◆ Friendship is key
– Difficult to separate from friendships
◆ This love . . .
– Develops over time
– Endures long periods of inactivity or
excitement
» Lacks the heat of eros and the games of
ludus
◆ Movie: Harry Met Sally / The Wedding
Singer / My Best Friends Wedding / Shrek /
You’ve Got Mail / Beauty and the Beast / 2
Weeks Notice / How To Lose A Guy /
Tootsie
4) Pragma Love
◆ Practical
◆ Looking for “types”
– Parents, $, race, nationality, family,
etc.
◆ Love is logical & More stable
– Not magical, but rational
◆ Movie: Pretty Woman / Bridges of
MC / As Good As It Gets /
Shakespeare in Love / Big Fat Greek
Wedding / Grease / Maid in
Manhattan / Notting Hill
– Hollywood Formula: Woman settles for
pragma love--but is unhappy
5) Mania Love
◆ Extreme highs and lows
– Jealousy
– Obsessive
◆ Self-worth comes from the
relationship
– Nothing else matters
◆ Movie: Fatal Attraction / Something
About Mary / American Beauty / The
Crush / Memento / Taxi Driver /
Swim Fan
◆ Hollywood Formula: slashing tires,
stalking, going into exile, drinking,
etc..
6) Agape (Alan) Love
◆ This love is . . .
– Compassionate
– Selfless
– Egoless
◆ No concern for personal
reward or gain
– Want the best for the other
person
◆ Movie: Forrest Gump / Man
Love a Women / John Q /
Casablanca /
Test Time
◆ Take out pen and paper
◆ Number your paper from 1
to 24
◆ Select one relationship to
analyze
– Past or Present
◆ Be honest---these will NOT
be collected!
Love It!!
◆ 1) My lover and I have the perfect physical
chemistry between us
◆ 2) I feel that my lover and I were truly meant
for each other (fate)
◆ 3) My lover and I really understand each
other (soul mates)
◆ 4) My lover fits my ideal standards of
physical beauty (my idea of a “10”)
◆ 5) I try to keep my lover a little uncertain
about my commitment to him/her Love??
◆ 6) I believe that what my lover doesn’t know
about me won’t hurt him/her (I keep secrets)
◆ 7) It is important that our relationship is
fun and exciting
◆ 8) When my lover gets too dependent on
me, I want them to back off
◆ 9) To be genuine, love must develop
over time (not an over-night thing)
◆ 10) I expect to always be friends with
my lover
◆ 11) Our love is really a deep friendship,
not a mysterious, mystical emotion
Too Sappy
◆ 12) Our love is the most satisfying
because it developed from, and is based
on, a deep caring relationship
◆ 13) In choosing my lover, I believed it was
best to love someone with a similar
background
◆ 14) A main consideration in choosing my
lover was whether my family would approve
◆ 15) An important factor in choosing a partner
is whether or not he/she would be a good
parent
◆ 16) One consideration in choosing my lover
was what career he/she selected
◆ 17) When things aren’t right with my lover
I Don’t Get It?
and me, my stomach gets upset
◆ 18) Sometimes I get so excited about being
in love with my lover that I can’t sleep
◆ 19) When my lover doesn’t pay
attention to me, I feel sick all over
(emotionally, physically, etc.)
◆ 20) I cannot relax if I suspect that
my lover is with someone else
◆ 21) I try to always help my lover
through difficult times
◆ 22) I would rather suffer myself
than let my lover suffer
◆ 23) When my lover gets angry with
me, I still love him/her fully and
unconditionally Gotta Love the 80s
◆ 24) I would endure all things for the
sake of my lover
Calculating the Results:
◆ Statements
» 1-4 are Eros
» 5-8 are Ludus
» 9-12 are Storge
» 13-16 are Pragma
» 17-20 are Manic Not All Love Is Healthy Love
» 21-24 are Agapic

◆ Highlight your high and low brackets

– 3 to 4 “Trues or Falses” are Markers
Now What?
◆ 1) What do these findings tell you
about yourself?
– Illuminate Mistakes?
– Illuminate Successes?
– Do you wish you could make
different decisions about love?
◆ 2) Do it again with another “love”
in mind
– See how they differ
◆ 3) Have your boy/girlfriend take I’m Embarrassed
the test with you
General Findings
◆ I. National Findings on Love
Test
– A. Men: Eros and Luduc
– B. Women: Manic, Pragma, and
Stroge
– C. Age and Evolution
» Eros and Mania are “young” loves
» In time, couples grow into Stroge
and Agape love

YUK!!
 General Research
◆ II. National Statistics on Love and Sex
– A. Infatuations
» First infatuation (W: 13 / M: 13.6)
» First love (W: 17.1/ M: 17.6)
– B. Gender and Virginity—Women Sooner
» Average age for 1st time sex: 16 W / 17 M
» % of virgins 18-24 years: 6.2% W / 10.8% M
◆ Notice: Sex comes before love

– Note: Since “oral sex” is not considered “sex,” figures are misleading
» Many still consider themselves “virgins” even after multiple oral partners
General Research
◆ III. Romantic Love (believe it or not)
– A. Married men have a more romantic
concept of love than their wives
» Men believe in love at first sight more
» More men believe love can overcome anything
– B. Twice as many women would marry for
reasons other than love
» In 1965, 75% of women said they would marry
a man they did not love if he fit the bill in other
ways
» Today, only about 10% of American women
say they would (Whitehead, 2003)
◆ 49% in Indians

◆ 51% in Pakistan
◆ III. Romantic Love (cont.)
– C. After divorce, Men are more likely to get
re-married
» And sooner
– D. Married men are psychologically and
physically healthier, but not so for women
» Reason 1: Without their wives, most men have
no support system and no one to talk to about
life’s stresses
◆ Men are 8 times more likely to commit suicide
after divorce
» Reason 2: Women do most of the work in most
relationships (even when both are working
outside the home)
General Findings
◆ IV. Age, Love, and Sex (1999 AARP
Survey)
– 60% of couples 45-60 years old report
having sex once a week (the average for all
couples)
– 20% over 75 report having sex once a week
– After 50 years of age, men become more
romantic; women become more sexually
assertive
Beautiful Film
– Majority of couples over 55 report finding
their significant other more romantic and
attractive