ASSERTIVENESS

“DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU

WANT TO SAY NO”
-Herbert Fensterhein

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 DOES IT HAPPEN TO YOU?
 Do you often find that others coerce
you into thinking their way?

 Is it difficult for you to express your

feelings openly and honestly?

 Do you sometimes lose control and

become angry at others?

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 Do you yell at your group mates when they
don’t pay any heed to your idea?

“YES” is an expression of
“LACK OF ASSERTION OR ASSERTIVENESS IN
COMMUNICATION”

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 OK CORRAL:
LIFE POSITIONS VS ATTITUDE
I'M NOT OK I'M OK
YOU'RE OK YOU'RE OK
   
"I wish I could do that as well as  "Hey, we're making good 
you do“ progress now"
Passive Assertive
I'M NOT OK I'M OK
YOU'RE NOT OK YOU'RE NOT OK
   
"Oh this is terrible – we'll never  "You're not doing that right –
make it“ let me show you"
Confused Aggressive
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“I’m OK, you’re OK”:
people are in the ‘get on with’ position
“I’m OK, you’re not OK” :
people are in the ‘get rid of’ position
“I’m not OK, you’re OK”:
people are in the ‘get away position’
“I’m not OK, you’re not OK” :
people are in the ‘get nowhere’ position

All four positions have bearing on individual thinking

and subsequent verbal manifestations
(communication)

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 AGGRESSION
 Getting my own way anyway – cost to
others, not my concern
 No interest or respect for the rights,
wants or needs of others
 Usually destructive – physically or
psychologically or both
 The basic message remains: “This is
what I think – you’re stupid for
believing differently. This is what I
want – what you want is not
important.”
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 AGGRESSION
IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:
 Invasive/angry staring-eye contact
 Loud strident voice,
 Invasion of spatial boundaries,
 Use of aggressive gestures
 Stiff or muscled up posture,
 Towering over others, etc

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AGGRESSION

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 AGGRESSION
AFTERMATH:
 Aggression often breeds aggression- a
vicious cycle

 Aggression can make us unpopular

 Aggression discourages helping hands in

the future

 Short-term and myopic “feel-good” factor

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 PASSIVITY
 Violating one’s own rights by failing
to express honest feelings, thoughts
and beliefs in a manner easily
disregarded by others

 The basic message: “My feelings

don’t matter – only yours do. My
thoughts aren’t important – yours
are the only ones worth listening to.
I am nothing – you are superior.”

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 PASSIVITY
Behaving as other people’s rights
matter more than our own
Goal is to appease others and to
avoid conflict at any cost
Passive people don’t consider as if
they have the right to:
Have an opinion,
Contribute, and
Be valued

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 PASSIVITY
IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:
 No eye contact(indirect or evasive
eye contact)
 Soft or muffled voice,
 Cringing or physically making
yourself small(hang-dog posture),
 Use of nervous or childish gestures,
etc

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PASSIVITY

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 PASSIVITY
AFTERMATH:
 Not getting what we want

 Inviting less respect from others

 Reduced stress in the short term

 Likely permanent under-confidence

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 CONFUSED
 These people feel confused or
aimless

 They don’t see the point of doing

anything, and so usually don’t bother

 People tend to become deceptive/

misleading

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CONFUSED

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ASSERTIVENESS: WHAT IS
IT?

Assertiveness is the ability to express

ones thoughts and feelings in a way
that clearly states your needs and
keeps the line of communication open
with the other.

- Ryan and Travis

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 ASSERTIVENESS
That Code of conduct which enables an
individual to think in a positive manner
about oneself & the co-participants, to
be open to ideas and suggestions and
willing to accept change if the need so
arises.

- Asha Kaul

Professor IIM - A

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 ASSERTIVENESS
 Sees everyone as equal with equal
rights and equal responsibility

 It’s about finding ‘win:win’ solutions

 Standing up for personal rights and

expressing thoughts, feelings and
beliefs in direct, honest and
appropriate ways that do not violate
another person’ rights

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IMPORTANT PROCESS VARIABLES:

 Direct but non-invasive eye contact,

 Modulated voice,
 Respect for spatial boundaries,
 Use of illustrative gestures,
 An erect but relaxed postures,
 Wearing a friendly yet professional
look, etc

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ASSERTIVENESS

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BONUS:

 Necessary skill for human survival

 A reflector of positive mental health

 Assertiveness increases the chances

of our needs being met

 It allows us to remain in control

 Assertiveness brings greater self-

confidence
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 Assertiveness lets us have greater
confidence in others

 Assertive people have more friends

 You experience fewer conflicts and

arguments

 Reduced stress

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ASSERTIVENESS: SOME
MYTHS

 “I will get what I want”:

Not necessarily.

Not a form of manipulation otherwise

no mutual respect will exist.

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 “There is a need to be assertive in all
situations”:

Not true. You may choose to be non-

assertive when:

 Dealing with overly sensitive individuals

who become threatened when faced with
open communication
 Unusual circumstances call for special
understanding and compassion
 Chances of misinterpretation are high

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 “Others will be assertive if you are
assertive”

Not necessarily

Others may respond with confusion,

passiveness, or open aggression or
they may withdraw completely

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EGO STATES OR PERSONALITY
TYPES

Berne defined three basic personalities or

Ego States –

Each with characteristic attitudes, feelings,

behaviours and language. Two of the states
subdivide into two further facets.

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 THE EGO STATES
PARENT CRITICAL Make rules and sets limits
PARENT Disciplines, judges and
criticizes
NURTURING Advises and guides
PARENT Protects and nurtures
ADULT Concerned with data and fact
Considers options and
estimates probabilities
Makes unemotional decisions
Plans and makes things
happen
CHILD FREE Fun loving and energetic
(NATURAL) Creative and spontaneous
CHILD
ADAPTED Compliant and polite
CHILD Rebellious and manipulative
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EGO STATES VS LIFE POSITIONS
STRIKING THE BALANCE

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 HOW ASSERTIVE AM I?
For each situation below, mark each
response as either passive,
aggressive, assertive or confused.

Situation 1: Your friend has just

complimented you on how well
dressed you are and how nice you
look. You feel pleased, and you say:

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a. “Oh come on, you’re just saying that to be
nice. You probably say that to everybody.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
b. “Thank you.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
c. “Oh, I bought this on sale.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
d. “Yeah, life is full of fun.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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 Situation 2: You have just been
criticized by your family because
they didn’t like what you prepared
for the evening meal. You say:

a. “Oh I didn’t know that food is bad.

Anyways, I will not cook any more in
the future.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused
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 HOW ASSERTIVE AM I? - 4
b. “Nothing”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
c. “Shut up! If you don’t like what I cook,
you cook it yourself !”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
d. “I think your criticism is unfair. Tell me
what you like that I can cook next
time.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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Situation 3: You are returning a
faulty item to the department store.
You bought a shirt and when you got
it home, you found it to have a flaw
in it. You don’t want the item as it
is. The clerk has just said, “It’s a
sale merchandise, and besides no
one will ever notice it.” You say:

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a. “Well, I still want to return this one and
either get my money refunded, or
exchange it for one that is not
defective. I do not want this one”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused
 “Look, give me my money back. I don’t
have all day for you to waste my time.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-Confused

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c. “Well, I suppose I can keep it, if
you’re sure it won’t show.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

d. “I think you have cheated me. I will

just call the police.”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

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Situation 4: You and your
partner are dinning out at a
moderately expensive restaurant.
You have ordered a medium
Tandoori Chicken. When the
Tandoori is served, it is rather over
done. You :

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a. Grumble to yourself but eat the
Tandoori and say nothing to the
waiter. When you pay the bill and
the cashier asks, “How was
everything?,” You say, “Fine.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

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b. Say to the waiter, “I ordered my
Tandoori to be cooked medium. This
is over done. Please bring me one
cooked medium.”

Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

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c. Get up and complain to the cashier
about the poor service. “If people
can’t cook what I order, I am not
going to eat here!”
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

d. You yell at the waiter and walk out

of the restaurant.
Assertive-Aggressive-Passive-
Confused

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 THIS IS WHERE I STAND…
OPTION SIT- 1 SIT - 2 SIT- 3 SIT - 4

a Passive Confused Assertive Passive

b Assertive Passive AggressiveAssertive

c Passive AggressivePassive Aggressive

d Confused Assertive Confused Confused

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HOW TO PRAISE AND CRITICISE
 Comment on specific actions than
generalizing it
e.g.,
‘You missed the deadline for
that report’
rather than
‘You are absolutely hopeless
at managing your time’

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 Follow up with reasons for your
comments. e.g.,
‘You missed the deadline for that
report, probably because you have
been spending more time on
telesales than we planned.’
‘Perhaps we should discuss how
you should allocate your time in
future?’

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 Do not use insincere praise
e.g.,
‘I know you are the most
hardworking person in this
office.’
‘Perhaps you could just write
up the minutes for me?’

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 When giving criticism, seek
solutions, rather than commenting
on somebody’s personality.
e.g.,
‘You seem to be getting lot of
complaints.’ instead say:

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‘You seem to be getting lot of
customer complaints in your
section at the moment. Do you
know what the problem is.’

Above all, avoid public put-downs,

or criticism in situations which will
cause embarrassment

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 WHETHER ‘YES’ OR ‘NO’

Rationally, saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’

depends upon the nature of the
anticipated outcome

You say ‘Yes’ when anticipated

outcome satisfies you

You say ‘No’ when anticipated

outcome does not satisfy you
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 HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ - 1
SL. DOs DON’Ts
NO.
1 Provide logic and Say ‘no’ at the start
reason
2 Have something else in Give excuses
the offing
3 Be ready to accomplish Confused
the task at a later
stage
4 Accept or reject at the Move in the domain
first instance of “doubtful”
5 Use “Umbrella Promise and then
Campaign” tactics retreat
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Thank You…

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