Seven Common Body Language Mistakes

Every twirl of your hair, crossed leg or micro-expression gives off a

message. Learn how to take control over how people view you.


Say please and thank you. Don't raise your voice. Sit up straight
with your legs together and hands on your lap. Don't draw
attention to yourself. And never ever brag

These are the lessons many parents teach their daughters. And
while these attributes--politeness, deference, humility--and the way
they are projected through our gestures, gait and self-presentation
can certainly help in the classroom and certain social settings, they
could be holding many of us back professionally.

Jeannine Fallon, executive director of corporate communications at
Edmunds.com, learned this at a training course called "Women
Unlimited," which she attended when she worked at Volvo 10 years
ago.


"I distinctly remember one insight," she says of the session. "At a boardroom table,
women tend to pile all their materials neatly and sit tucked into the table, while men
tend to sprawl out, push away from the table, cross his ankle over a knee and lock arms
behind his head. It was impressed upon us that the concept of taking up space
correlates to the concept of dominance." The result? "I've never sat tucked into a table
since."

An image is worth 1,000 words: No matter how illustrious our resumes, how brilliant
our ideas, how Calvinist our work ethic, we are judged by how we present ourselves.
Research shows that it takes four minutes to make a first impression, and, according to
a widely cited study by UCLA professor Albert Mehrabian, body language accounts for
55% of that impression (38% comes from tone of voice; the remaining 7% from our
actual words).

Unfortunately, says Carey O'Donnell, president of Carey O'Donnell Public Relations
Group, based in West Palm Beach , Fla. , "many of us have no idea that our non-verbal
cues are making an impact. There are thousands of micro-expressions, and people are
reading these, even if they are only subconsciously translating these cues."


Some of the visual ticks common to women:
Tilting your head - A sign of listening that can be misinterpreted as one of submission or
even flirting.
Folding your hands on your lap - Hiding your hands under a conference table or desk, for
example, signals untrustworthiness; a cue from ancient times, when men would reveal
their palms to show they were unarmed.
Crossing your legs - A sign of resistance.
Excessive smiling - An indication that you lack gravitas and seriousness.
Folding your arms in front of you - Translates to insecurity or defensiveness.
Playing with or tugging at your hair, jewelry or clothes - Can signal distress or, again, be
misinterpreted as flirting.

Many of these habits are deeply engrained and, even when we think we have expunged
them, tend to flare up when we are in stressful or nervous situations.

"For example, when there are only men at a meeting and one woman, the woman tends to
get nervous," says Carol Kinsey Goman, executive coach and author of The Nonverbal
Advantage. "Because they are larger and take up space, men have an imposing, assertive
demeanor. And that can be intimidating."

"Women are much more expressive than men," she adds. "Men have more of a poker face,
and it drives us nuts because we can't read what's happening--we don't know where we
stand. And when we keep explaining a point and see no reaction, we tend to panic and
overdo it to make case."

So, how do we mitigate these ticks if we aren't even aware we are doing them?


"A mirror can do a lot," says Kinsey Goman. "Practice your speech a variety of ways--with your head tilted, your
head straight--and note the difference. Practice your gestures. Gestures are terrific but don't do them above
the shoulder--you'll look too erratic."

O'Donnell also recommends videotaping presentations and then watching them without sound. "When we see
ourselves in pictures, or especially on TV, we often say, 'Who in God's name is that?'" she laughs. "When you
watch yourself without sound, pay attention to visual cues--are you waving your hands frenetically, laughing
inappropriately when no one else is laughing, looking around nervously? Then watch it a second time for voice
tone and bridges [such as] likes and you knows."

As for dealing with nerves beforehand, Theresa Zagnoli, founder and CEO of Zagnoli McEvoy Foley, a
communication and litigation consulting firm, recommends shutting the door of your office or retreating to the
restroom and taking 10 to 20 deep-belly breaths. Another trick: releasing nerves by scrunching your toes--an
act that, unlike fiddling with your hair or retreating back in your chair, will go unnoticed.

Zagnoli also preaches a tactic called "mirroring."

"The idea is that the more like the person you're dealing with you can become, the more you will connect," she
says. "Is the person you are sitting across from soft-spoken? Does he or she speak slowly, smile and laugh a lot?
Is their pad on the desk or their lap, do they take notes copiously, are their legs crossed, are they leaning
forward or backward? I take note of all these things and then chameleon myself to become more like that
person."

Some businessmen and women balk at this idea--or at the idea that we have to transform ourselves in order to
get ahead. But, assures Zagnoli, it is not a compromise. This--the mirroring, the mimicking and the suppression
of bad habits or impulses--"doesn't change who you are," she says. "It doesn't change your heart, what is in
your head, your ideas. In fact, changing how you carry yourself allows us to communicate those thoughts and
feelings more fully.
Minimizing Yourself
Women tend to go out of their way to
make themselves smaller. They keep
their legs and hands together, slouch
and sit back in their chairs. "In program
photos for corporate events, if there are
20 or 30 people, a woman will always
say 'I'll crouch down in front,'" says
Carol Kinsey Goman, executive coach
and author of The Nonverbal
Advantage. "A man won't do that. By
minimizing yourself, you are
communicating that you are diminutive
or submissive."

Seven Common Body Language Mistakes
Smiling Too Much
While smiling is a wonderful way to make others
feel comfortable, women tend to overdo it. Often,
women will smile to take the edge off the
negative, such as criticism or a reprimand. "The
most important thing to keep in mind is
congruence--that what you say and what your
body looks like are aligned," says Kinsey Goman.
"Incongruence will throw people." MRI scans have
shown that when someone is smiled at, the brain
lights up as if she has received a reward--if you
smile while you are castigating someone, they
might not even realize they are in trouble--and
therefore wont take you seriously.

Weak Handshake
A handshake communicates one of three
things to the person with whom you are
shaking, says Carey O'Donnell, president of
Carey O'Donnell Public Relations Group: (1)
This person is trying to dominate me, (2) I
can dominate this person and (3) I feel
comfortable with this person. You want to
aim for option three, but most women tend
to fall into No. 2--the wet fish. "In a
handshake, the dominant person turns their
palm down, while the more submissive
person shakes with the palm facing up," she
says. Aim for a straight up and down, firm
handshake.

The Partial-Arm Cross
Many women stand with one arm
crossed, hugging the other hanging by
her side. Don't do it. "This is a frequent
female position, and it demonstrates
anxiety and low self-confidence," warns
O'Donnell. The arm cross is seen as a
partial hug, a comforting position that
indicates the person is trying to soothe
nerves.

Touching Hair, Face or Jewelry
At best, playing with one's hair,
twirling a piece of jewelry or touching
one's face can be read as a lack a
confidence; at worst, as out-and-out
flirting. "Studies have shown that
women who flirt get less of a raise
and have less power to negotiate
[deals]," says Kinsey Goman. "They
might want to take you out to dinner,
but they won't respect you."

The Head Tilt
The head tilt is an ancient sign of
listening, yet it is often seen in
the workplace as a sign of
agreement. It also can be
misconstrued as acquiescence or
flirting. Kinsey Goman
recommends practicing saying
something with your head tilted
and then straight in front on the
mirror--you will notice how
much authoritative you'll appear
when your head isn't cocked to
one side.

Inappropriate Clothes
Our body movements aren't the only
things sending silent signals to our co-
workers, bosses or clients. Low-cut shirts,
short skirts, too much makeup and even
overwhelming perfume can give the
message that you are not to be taken
seriously. "You see a female CEO
interviewed on TV, and the first thing
[pundits] comment on is what she's
wearing," says Catherine Kaputa,
executive coach and author of The
Female Brand. Kaputa recommends
looking at women in high positions at
work or on TV--she cites Nancy Pelosi as
an example--and emulating the way they
dress and carry themselves.