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Complete guide to assertive living

Unit 5

Are

you saying what you are really


feeling?

Are

you doing what you really want


to be doing?
Set goals for yourself

How do I know what I want?

Assertiveness training evolved out of the


idea that people live better lives if they can
express what they want. If they can let
others know how they would like to be
treated.

Some

folks, however, find it hard to


know what they really want from life.

If

you have spent most of your life


doing for others and believing that
what you want is not important, it
can be quite a chore to get a handle
on just what is important to you.

So,

what do you want?

A home.. A degree Winning a race.. Top


of your profession.. A Vacation, a golf
championship ?

Winning the test match or becoming a


millionaire , getting a pet. Making a
friend.

Or
Your own swimming pool?

The

first step is, to find a label for


your feelings

The

second, is to decide what you


want to do

The

third, is to do it.

Find a label for your


feelings:

Anger , anxiety, boredom, discomfort , fear


, happiness , irritation, love, relaxation
and sadness.. are common feelings

One can express them in sentences such


as..
I am upset but I am not sure why

I am feeling depressed .. something feels


wrong but I cant put my finger on it.

It could be a fear of some sort thats


preventing you from recognizing your
feelings..
Dont

bog down at this stage.. Go


ahead and try to express yourself.

If

you do begin to recognize the


underlying feeling and decide to
change directions in mid stream you
could say

I started out angry but realised, that


what I really wanted was attention.

Behavioral model for


personal growth
This is examined under the
following three heads:
An increasing openness to
experience:
An increasingly existential living
An increasing trust in ones
organism
But What could all these mean?

An increasing openness to experience:


How recently have you participated a new
sport or game ?
Changed your views on an important position
[ political , personal professional ]
Tried a new hobby or craft?
Studied a new language or culture?
Spent 15 minutes or more paying attention to
your body, feelings, senses?
Listened for 15 minutes or more to a
viewpoint that you disagreed with, in politics
religion, profession or personal areas..?
Tasted a new food, smelled a new odor,
listened to a new sound.. allowed yourself to
cry or to say I care about you ? or laugh
until you cried? or admit that you are afraid?

An increasingly existential living


[heart / spontaneity/ impulse /
impromptu ]
How

recently have you done


something you feel like doing at the
spur of the moment without regard
for the consequences?

Something

no one expected
you to do.. including yourself?

An increasing trust in ones organism;


[ intuition / inner voice/ perception/ insight]

How recently have you done what felt right


to you against the advice of others?
Used your own intellectual reasoning ability
to work out a solution to a difficult problem?
Allowed yourself to experiment creatively
with new approaches to old problems?
Expressed an unpopular opinion assertively
in the face of majority opposition?
Risked sharing your personal feelings with
another person
Admitted you were wrong.

Structuring your goals for


the life you want to lead.
6 key factors
Personal

factors

Ideals
Feasibility
Flexibility
Time
Priority

Personal factors
Situations

that are difficult for you


Key people in your life
Your attitude, thoughts and beliefs
about expressing yourself
Obstacles to your assertiveness such
as certain people or fears.
The skills you possess relating to
assertive behaviour such as eye
contact, voice , volume and gestures.

Ideal or model
Select

the person or people you


would like to model

Focus

on the qualities that you want


to attain.. Such as confidence,
courage, persistence, honesty.

Think

often about the person.

Feasibility
Do

it in small chunks.. a little each


day. One thing, step by step..
Manageability of tasks is the issue
here..

Flexibility
Keep

reviewing your goals be


flexible and adapt to the inevitable
changes which will come into your
life.

Time
range for goals
Long Range / Mid Range/ Short Range

Long range goals


Behave more assertively with spouse
Take

more risks in my life

Reduce

my anxiety about behaving


assertively

Mid range
One year goals
Compliment those who are close to
me more frequently
Speak

often

Say

out in front of groups more

no and stick to it [ if it is good


for you and the other ]

Short range
One month goals:
Return a faulty merchandize to the
store.
Get firmer in disciplining my children
Invite a neighbour over
Start listening to audio cassettes on
assertiveness.

Priority
After identifying the short mid and
long range, list of goals sort each
group according to your own priorities.
Top drawer goals which are the most
important
Middle drawer goals which are
important but do not need to
accomplished right away
Bottom drawer goals, those goal
which can be put off indefinitely
without causing great stress.

Go for it

Select your goals and write them in your


log, only the few goals that you want to
focus on in the next few weeks or months.

Stay on your course but remain flexible


Keep track of where you have reached

Most importantly

Let this be you.


Thank you. End of unit 5