Revising messages

Keeping it clear
The goal of business writing is to express not

impress
In order to maintain the clarity of the message,
sender needs to make sure that the message is 1)
simple and 2) conversational
One way to achieve clear writing is to use activevoice sentences that avoid foggy, indirect and
pompous language.

Keeping it clear
Foggy

Clear

Employees have not been

made sufficiently aware of the
potentially adverse
consequences involved these
chemicals.

Warn your employees about these

chemicals.

To be sure of obtaining
optimal results, it is essential
that you give your employees
the implements that are
necessary for completion of
the job.

To get the best results, give employees

the tools they need to do the job.

Keeping it conversational
To achieve a conversational tone, sound professional

but not stilted.

Avoid legal terminology, technical words, and thirdperson constructions (the undersigned, the writer)
Business messages should sound warm, friendly, and
conversational not stuffy and formal.
To sound friendly, include occasional contractions
(cant, doesnt) and first person pronouns (I/we).
This warmth is appropriate in all but the most
formal business reports.

Keeping it conversational
Formal

Conversational

As per your verbal

At your suggestion Im
instruction, steps will be investigating your billing
undertaken immediately immediately.
to investigate your billing
problem.
Our organization would
like to inform you that
your account is being
credited in the
aforementioned sum.

Were crediting your

account for RM78.

Keeping it concise
Main points are easier to understand in concise

messages.
In order to keep message concise, writer should:
Remove opening fillers
Eliminate redundancies
Reduce compound prepositions
Purge empty words

Removing opening fillers

Openers like there is and it is fill in sentences but

generally add no meaning.

These fillers reveal writers spinning their wheels
until deciding where the sentence is going.
Question these constructions.
About 75% of sentence-opening fillers can be
eliminated.

Removing opening fillers

Wordy

Concise

There are three things

I want you to do
It is important to start
meetings on time

I want you to do three

things
Starting meetings on
time is important

Eliminating redundancies
Redundancies convey the same meaning more than

once.
Redundancies to avoid:
Advance
warning

Contributing
factor

Free and clear

New changes

Alter or change

Dollar amount

Grateful thanks

Past history

Assemble together

Each and every

Great majority

Perfectly clear

Basic fundamentals End result

Integral part

Personal opinion

Collect together

Exactly identical

Last and final

Potential
opportunity

Consensus of
opinion

Few in number

Midway between

Proposed plan

Serious interest

Refer back

True facts

Visible to the eye

Reducing compound prepositions

Wordy prepositional phrases (WCP) can be

shortened to single words.

WCP

Shorter

WCP

Shorter

As to whether

Whether

For the amount of

For

At a latter date

Later

In advance of

Before

At this point of time

Now

Subsequent to

After

At such time

When

The manner in which

How

In accordance with

By

Until such time as

Until

Despite the fact that

although

Due to the fact that

because

Purging empty words (1)

Familiar phrases roll off the tongue easily, but

many contain expendable parts.

Be alert of empty words and phrases: case, degree,
the fact that, factor, instance, nature, and quality.

Purging empty words

Analyze these sentences
In the case of the Halifax Gazzete the newspaper
improved its readability.
Because of the degree of participation by our sales
reps, profits soared.
We are aware of the fact that many managers need
assistance.
Except for the instance of Mazda, Japanese imports
sagged.
Student writing in that class is excellent in quality.

Purging empty words (2)

Avoid saying the obvious. Analyse these sentences:

When it arrived, I cashed your cheque immediately.

We need printer cartridges; therefore, please send me
two dozen laser cartridges.
This is to inform you that the meeting will start at 2
p.m.

Purging empty words (3)

Clauses with that, which and who can often be

shortened without loss of clarity.

Search for phrases, such as it appears that. Such
phrases can be reduced to a single adjective of
adverb, such as apparently.

Purging empty words

Analyze these sentences

Changing the name of a company that is successful is

always risky.
All employees who are among those completing the
course will be reimbursed.
Our proposal, which was slightly altered in its final
form, won approval.
We plan to schedule meetings on a weekly basis.

Revising for vigor and directness

Much business writing has been criticized as lifeless,

cautious and really, really boring.

This boredom results not so much from content as
from wordiness and dull, trite expressions.
Wordiness can be reduced while vigor can be
improved by (1) kicking the noun habit and (b)
dumping trite business phrases.

Kicking the noun habit

Some writers become addicted to nouns, needlessly

transforming verbs into nouns (we make a

recommendation instead of we recommend).
This bad habit increases sentence length, drains verb
strength, slows the reader, and muddies the thought.
The table in the next slide shows how efficient, clean
and forceful verbs sound compared with their noun
phrase counterparts.

Kicking the noun habit

Wordy Noun Phrase

Verb

Conduct a discussion of

Discuss

Create a reduction in

Reduce

Engage in the preparation of

Prepare

Give consideration to

Consider

Make an assumption of

Assume

Make a discovery of

Discover

Perform an analysis of

analyze

Reach a conclusion about

Conclude

Take action on

act

Dumping trite business phrases

To sound businesslike, many writers repeat the

same stale expressions that other writers have used

over the years.
Your writing will sound fresher and more vigorous if
you eliminate these phrases or find more original
ways to convey the idea.
The table in the next slide shows the efficiency of
improved expressions.

Dumping trite business phrases

Trite phrase

Improved version

As per your request

As you request

Pursuant to your request

At your request

Enclosed please find

Enclosed is

Every effort will be made

Well try

In accordance with your wishes

As you wish

In receipt of

Have received

Please do not hesitate to

please

Thank you in advance

Thank you

Under separate cover

Separately

With reference to

about

Revising for readability

To help receivers anticipate and comprehend ideas

quickly, two special writing techniques are helpful:

(1) parallelism and (2) highlighting
Parallelism means matching nouns with nouns,
verbs with verbs, phrases with phrases, and so on.
Graphic devices such as lists, bullets, headings, and
white space spotlight important ideas.

Developing parallelism
Not parallel

Parallel

The policy affected all

vendors, suppliers, and those
involved with consulting

The policy affected all

vendors, suppliers and
consultants

Good managers analyze a

problem, collect data, and
alternatives are evaluated.

Good managers analyze a

problem, collect data, and
evaluate alternatives.

Foreign service employees

must be able to communicate
rapidly, concisely, and be
flexible in handling diverse
responsibilities.

Foreign service employees

must be able to communicate
rapidly and concisely; they
must also be flexible in
handling diverse
responsibilities.

Applying graphic highlighting

Spotlight important items by setting them off with

Letter s, such as (a), (b) and (c), within the text.

Numerals, such as 1,2, and 3, listed vertically.
Bullets black squares, raised periods, or other symbols.
Headings
Capital letters, underscores, boldface and italics.

Applying graphic highlighting

Example

Without highlighting Zalora attracts upscale

customer by featuring quality fashions, personalize
service, and a generous return policy.
Highlighted with letters - Zalora attracts upscale
customer by featuring (a) quality fashions, (b)
personalize service, and (c) a generous return policy.

Applying graphic highlighting

Highlighted with bullets - Zalora attracts upscale

customer by featuring the following:

Quality fashions
Personalize service,
Generous return policy.

Highlighted with numbers Zalora advises

recruiters to follow these steps in hiring applicants:

1.
2.
3.

Examine application
Interview applicant
Check references

Applying graphic highlighting

Highlighted with headings

Zalora focuses on the following areas in the

employment process:
Attracting applicants. We advertise for qualified
applicants, and we also encourage current employees to
recommend good people.
Interviewing applicants. Our specialized interviews
include simulated customer encounters as well as scrutiny
by supervisors.
Checking references. We investigate every applicant
thoroughly, including conversations with former
employers and all listed references.

Measuring readability
Experts have developed methods for measuring how

easy, or difficult, a message is to read.

Robert Gunnings Fox Index is one of the best known
method that could measure long words and sentence
length to determine readability.
The foggier the message, the more difficult it is to
read and thus understand.
http://lfa.atu.edu/brucker/Fog.html

Checklist for revising messages

1

Keep the message

simple

Dont convert verbs to

nouns

Be conversational

Avoid trite phrases

Avoid opening fillers

Strive for parallelism

Shun redundancies

Highlight important ideas

tighten your writing

10 Test readability

Proofreading for the finishing touch

What to watch for in proofreading

Spelling dictionary, spell checker

Grammar subject verb agreement. Tenses.
Punctuations make sure that introductory clauses are
followed by commas. In compound sentences put commas
before coordinating conjunctions (and, or, but, nor).
Names and numbers compare all names and numbers with
their resources. Verify the spelling of the names of individuals
receiving the message. Most of us immediately dislike someone
who misspells our name.
Format be sure that your document looks balanced on the
page. Compare its format with those of standard document.

Evaluating the product

Encourage the receiver to respond to the message as

the feedback will help writer to improve

communication technique.