SEVEN PRINCIPLES

OF MAKING MUSLIM
MARRIAGE WORK
Menahal Begawala, LMHC
Inside the Love Lab:
The Truth About Happy Marriages
•Four decades of research with over
3,000 couples
•Seven Principles for building a
strong, satisfying, and meaningful
relationship
Benefits of a Healthy Marriage
•A source of comfort and growth:
ٌ ‫َاس لَّ ُك ْم وَ َأنتُ ْم ِلب‬
‫َاس لَّ ُه َّن‬ ٌ ‫ُه َّن ِلب‬
•An unhappy marriage can increase the
chances of getting sick by roughly 35%
•People who stay married live four to eight years
longer than those who don’t
•Physical impact of constant marital stress on
immune system – more illness
What Makes Marriage Work?
•Ratio of positive to
negative interactions
is 5:1 ‫س ِيئَة ۡٱدفَ ۡع‬ َ ‫َو ََل ت َ ۡست َ ِوي ۡٱل َح‬
َّ ‫سنَة َو ََل ٱل‬
‫سن فَ ِإذَا ٱلَّ ِذي بَ ۡينَ َك‬ َ ‫ي أ َ ۡح‬ َ ‫ِبٱلَّتِي ِه‬
•Relationships that َٰ ‫ع‬
break up have a .8:1 ‫يم‬ٞ ‫ي َح ِم‬ٌّ ‫ل‬
ِ ‫و‬
َ ‫ۥ‬ ‫ه‬ َّ ‫ن‬َ ‫أ‬ َ
‫ك‬ ٞ
‫ة‬ ‫و‬
َ ‫د‬َ َ ‫َوبَ ۡينَهۥ‬
ratio of negativity to (Fussilat: 34)
positivity
A Recipe for Disaster: The 4 Horsemen
• Criticism
• “What’s wrong with you?”
• Speaking to partner as though there’s something wrong with him/her
• Defensiveness
• Righteous Indignation – meeting a complaint with a countercomplaint
or
• Acting like an innocent victim
• Contempt
• Feeling superior to partner; talking down to partner
• Name calling
• Stonewalling
• Shutting down
Destructive Communication Patterns
Gentle Startup: Complain about situation:
what you feel and what you need

Take Responsibility: Even for a small part of

the problem

Create a Culture of Appreciation and

Respect: say “thank you” for the small
things; look for things you can praise;
communicate affection and respect;
catch your partner doing something right

Take a Break: do some deep breathing or

something calming
 What Makes a Marriage Work?
1. Friendship – Increasing intimacy
Enhance your love maps – learning about your partners inner world
Having interest in one another
Ask open ended questions
2. Creating a culture of fondness and admiration
Showing respect and appreciation
Saying “thank you” more often – even for trivial things

3. Respond to bids: turning towards

Without a response, probability of another bid goes down

The Results?
Positive Sentiment Override
Positive sentiment for spouse overrides times when one is irritable or if
there’s distance in the relationship

Things aren’t taken as personally

Serves as a buffer

vs

Negative state where either or both spouses are hypervigilant for

putdowns

*Affects Conflict Management*

 Conflict Management
Ability to repair
Normal to feel defensive when feeling attacked or be critical when
upset
Golden key: ability to repair – because we all mess up
Can you step back and have a recovery conversation?
Can you say sorry?
Can you have a sense of humor?
Can you show affection?

The ability to do this shows that friendship is strong – which will also
contribute to intimacy, romance, and passion
 Conflict
69% of conflicts in Marriage are never solved
Building the positive parts of the relationship helps develop how conflict
is managed
When you marry someone, you inherit a set of problems
Happily married couples figure out a way to cope
Unhappy couples end up in gridlock
Engage in 4 horsemen
No compromise
Get emotionally disengaged and feel rejected by partner

The solution isn’t to resolve the conflict. It is to move from gridlock to

dialogue
 Conflict
Figure out the dream underneath the problem
What is the philosophical concept that each of you holds so closely
Dialogue can only happen if the relationship feels safe
The underlying issue is part and parcel of who your spouse is
Find out the dream within the conflict
What is the dream
What’s the history of the dream?
What’s the life story behind that dream

Develops depth in the relationship

 Conflict
31% of problems can be solved
Gentle start up
Accepting Influence
“Good point”
“I never thought of that”
“Tell me more about your opinion”
Move towards compromise
Ability to calm down

If a person can’t calm down, this will lead to physiological arousal

Inability to Calm Down
Flooding
Feeling shell shocked
Feeling defenseless
Shutting down
Body Language
Accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Adrenaline rush – signaling fight or flight response
Body is in overdrive
Flooding makes its virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving
discussion!!!
This is a signal that taking a break is necessary!
 Create Shared Meaning
Create meaning and purpose as a couple
The way you move through time together
Your relationship either supports the mission and legacy that you want to
have or it doesn’t
Create meaning in how you think about yourself as a spouse, child,
sibling, parent
If done intentionally, is a way to enhancing love maps

If a person can’t calm down, this will lead to physiological arousal

Practical Tips
•Devote time to talking
•Weekly dates
•Daily time
•Create rituals
•Express appreciation and admiration
•Express affection
•The Five Love Languages
 ‫َ‬
‫رَ بَّ َنا َهبْ َل َنا ِمنْ أزْ وَ ا ِج َنا وَ ُذ ِريَّا ِت َنا‬
‫ْ‬ ‫ْ‬
‫اج َعل َنا ِلل ُمتَّ ِقينَ ِإ َما ًما‬ ‫ن‬ ‫ي‬
‫َّ عْ ُ ٍ وَ ْ‬‫َ‬
‫أ‬ ‫َ‬
‫ة‬ ‫ر‬ ‫ُ‬
‫ق‬