Butter, The Root Of All Evil by Chris T.

In my morning haste with no respect to the canners of this great confection My knife left its little present for you A huge cream-colored dollop of cancer you call Butter In my many meetings with my underlings, with our obsession to rule the world, We chose to purposely leave some butter in the jelly Defying all household rules and damning the consequences For this evil was planned for months with careful attention to details Like: the use of Salted or Unsalted butter Should I swipe it with the corning ware knife or the expensive set we use for Thanksgiving I am surprised you are still standing for this frontal attack was of course meant to maim and destroy I awoke that morning, went straight to the safe and removed the evil plans that started a great household war I arose early adorned by black ski mask and tiptoed across the kitchen floor Gently I pulled back the Utility drawer and removed my implement of holy terror My filthy hands reached into our cupboard and removed the one item you must hold most sacred No, not our wedding license, our grape jelly jar With you still reeling from my wrinkling of the duvet, I knew it was time to strike My household guerrilla tactics are legendary and to be feared and respected I teemed with anticipation; for I knew you were next to open the jar I giggled with glee; knowing you would furrow your brow At the glob of goo that would not pass any TSA airport inspection I went on with my day wondering if you Were going to throw the whole jar away Or cut away the tumor with the skill of a surgeon For it is always my life mission to hear screeching from the kitchen about my lack of butter control I live for the start of my day to contain scolding words Sometimes the toast and the animal cravings cant be contained I just want to apologize for my little slip of the knife I am sure the economy, the war, death and taxes Can be directly related to my little slip of the wrist in my morning fog In the future I will try not to push the earth off of its axis so early in the morning Dear, I love you. Please forgive my gastronomic error