How Do You Hug a Porcupine? Very Carefully!

The Savior has commanded us “...love one another as I have loved you.” (John 14:12). Sometimes
that is very difficult if family members are “prickly” and seem hard to love. Learning
communication skills is the key to improving relationships with our difficult family members.

Marvin J. Ashton, gave this counsel: To be effective, family communication must be an exchange
of feelings and information. Doors of communication will swing open in the home if members will
realize time and participation on the part of all are necessary ingredients. i

Be Willing to Sacrifice
Christ asked the question, “What manner of men ought [we] to be?” He then answered by saying
we ought to be even as He is. (3 Ne. 27:27)

Be the kind of a family member who is willing to take time to be available. Develop the ability and
self-discipline to think of other family members and their communication needs ahead of your
own—a willingness to prepare for the moment—the sharing moment, the teaching moment. Shed
the very appearance of preoccupation in self, and learn the skill of penetrating a family member’s
shield of preoccupation.

Too early and too often we sow the seeds of “Can’t you see I’m busy? Don’t bother me now.”
When we convey the attitude of “Go away, don’t bother me now,” family members are apt to go
elsewhere or isolate themselves in silence. All family members on some occasion or other must be
taken on their own terms so they will be willing to come, share, and ask.

• Be available
• Think of others needs before your own
• Give your undivided attention

Really Listen
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
“For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19–20.)

“A SOFT answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. (Proverbs 15:1)
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First, we must listen to each other with open hearts and minds. Active listening enables us to take
into our hearts what is said. If we are only waiting to tell what we know, then we are not listening.
As we listen, it is sometimes helpful to rephrase what we have heard and to ask a few questions.
This often helps the speaker to think through her own situation and make her own decisions. She
may benefit more from our interest than if we tried to solve her problems for her. ii

• Show you are listening by looking at them while they speak

• Repeat what you hear them say & how they felt
“It sounds as if you feel...”
• Don’t interrupt with your own experiences and opinions
• Show concern for their feelings – don’t get mad or upset

Vocalize Feelings
How significant are God’s words when he took the time to vocalize his feelings with, “This is my
beloved Son,” yes, even the powerful communication, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am
well pleased.” (Matt. 3:17.)

Often parents communicate most effectively with their children by the way they listen to and
address each other. Their conversations showing gentleness and love are heard by our ever-alert,
impressionable children. We must learn to communicate effectively not only by voice, but by tone,
feeling, glances, mannerisms, and total personality. Too often when we are not able to converse
with a family member we wonder, “What is wrong with them?” when we should be wondering,
“What is wrong with our methods?” A meaningful smile, an appropriate pat on the shoulder, and a
warm handshake are all-important. Silence isolates. Strained silent periods cause wonderment,
hurt, and, most often, wrong conclusions.

• Share your feelings about the situation

“I feel that...”
• Focus on the behavior not on the person
• Choose words that show acceptance and love

Avoid Judgment
“Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more” (John 8:11) are words that are just as gentle and
effective today as when they were first uttered.

It is easy to point out mistakes and pass judgment. Sincere compliments and praise come much
harder from most of us. It takes real maturity for a parent to apologize to a child for an error. An
honest apology often makes the son or daughter feel surprisingly warm toward the mother or father
or brother or sister. “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a
perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.” (James 3:2.)

Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Each of us is an individual. Each of us is different. There must be

respect for those differences. …

“… We must work harder to build mutual respect, an attitude of forbearance, with tolerance one
for another regardless of the doctrines and philosophies which we may espouse. Concerning these
you and I may disagree. But we can do so with respect and civility” iii

• Avoid yelling, criticism and generalizations

Do not say “you always” or “you never”

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 • Do not display shock, alarm or disgust for others comments or observations
• Do not react violently
• Be willing to apologize
• Discuss goals
• Take a time out and try to see things from their point of view
• Check your tone and facial expressions.

Build Relationships of Trust

With trust, we can be “knit together in unity and in love one towards another” (Mosiah 18:21).

When we trust each other, we can express our own feelings, experiences, and expectations
honestly. This allows others to express themselves openly, too.

But trust comes only when we keep confidences. The Apostle Paul warned against tellers of tales,
“wandering about from house to house; … tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they
ought not” (1 Tim. 5:13).

• Respect confidences
• Be worthy of trust in trivial things
• Treat innermost trust and concerns with respect

Practice Patience
“Be patient; be sober; be temperate; have patience, faith, hope and charity.” (D&C 6:19)

“I get sick and tired of listening to your complaints” and “I have told you a thousand times” are but
two of many often-repeated family quotations that indicate patience is gone and channels of
communication are plugged.

When family members tune each other out, communication is not taking place. Words spoken are
unheard, unwanted, and resisted when we fail to understand the basics for proper interchange.
Each must be willing to do his part to improve, since the family unit is the basic foundation of the
Church. Proper communication will always be a main ingredient for building family solidarity and
permanence.

• Do not tune each other out

• Avoid correcting family members in front of others
• Encourage them to do the best they can
• Be appreciative of their efforts
• Point out the good they are doing

Show Your Love

We’ve probably all felt it, whether it was as we taught a Primary class, disciplined our children, or
discussed a problem with our husband or wife—that sudden, irrepressible irritation sometimes
flaring into anger. And we may have let our words expose our exasperation, excusing our passions
under the guise of “reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost”
(D&C 121:43).iv

We must follow our reproof with “an increase of love.” (D&C 121:43) This love should not be
feigned; and it should be forthcoming immediately after the reproof, not after several hours or days

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of being unfriendly. This reassurance should be repeated often so that the reproof will not become
a barrier to a continuing relationship.

True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real.
Love takes time. We must at regular and appropriate intervals speak and reassure others of our
love and the long time it takes to prove it by our actions. Real love does take time. v

• Spend time together

• Give Gifts
• Be Kind
• Show affection
• Give Compliments

Seek the Lord’s Help

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways
acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.” (Proverbs 3:5–6)

We should learn to be patient with ourselves. Recognizing our strengths and our weaknesses, we
should strive to use good judgment in all of our choices and decisions, make good use of every
opportunity, and do our best in every task we undertake. We should not be unduly discouraged nor
in despair at any time when we are doing the best we can. Rather, we should be satisfied with our
progress even though it may come slowly at times.

The Lord directed that we have family prayer when He said, “Pray in your families unto the
Father, always in my name, that your wives and your children may be blessed.” (3 Nephi 18:21)

Throughout the scriptures the term fasting is usually combined with prayer. “Ye shall continue in
prayer and fasting from this time forth” is the Lord’s counsel (D&C 88:76). Fasting without prayer is
just going hungry for 24 hours. But fasting combined with prayer brings increased spiritual
power.vi

• Be patient with yourself

• Rely on the Lord
• Pray in your families
• Fasting brings spiritual power
i
Marvin J. Ashton, “Family Communications,” New Era, Oct 1978, 7
ii
Strengthening Our Sisterhood by Listening and Trusting,” Tambuli, Nov 1993, 25
iii
(Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley [1997], 661, 665).
iv
Spencer J. Condie, “Reproving with Love,” Tambuli, Dec 1979, 17
v
Marvin J. Ashton, “Love Takes Time,” Ensign, Nov 1975, 108

Helpful Websites and Books

www.loveandlogic.com Love and Logic – Helping Parents and Kids Raise Responsible Kids
www.providentliving.org Self Reliance and Welfare Resources
Choose “Social and Emotional Strength” tab on left
www.nami.org National Alliance on Mental Health
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
3 Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family, available at www.mormon.org/3simpleways or LDS Distribution Centers
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